Teenage Dirtbag- Conversations with a Teenager

‘Cause I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Yeah, I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Listen to Iron Maiden maybe with me

She wanted desperately to be cool. To be funny and popular and to be liked by everyone (some things never change),she just wanted to fit in. To be just like everyone else.

She hated being the girl without a dad with a somewhat crippled mother who was poor and only got to go on school excursions when the teachers somehow convinced her mother that it wasn’t charity to let the school pay.

She wanted so much to be anyone else. To be prettier, to be thinner, to be the girl the guys wanted and importantly she wanted to know how to cure herself of her curse of frizzy hair.

But she wasn’t cool.

She wasn’t popular.

She certainly wasn’t the girl teenage boys fantasies revolve around.

What was she?

Quirky.

Funny in an offbeat way.

And for the most part kind.

She liked History and films and Shakespeare.

She talked far too much.

She can’t hear a song without dancing to it and yet she couldn’t tell you the name of the band singing it.

But most of all she was and still is resilient.

She had and still has the ability to bounce back regardless of what knocks her down.

She was and is positive, upbeat and happy.

She’s a survivor and that’s wayyyy better than being cool.

just a total teenage dirtbag

just a total teenage dirtbag

Linking up with the lovely Josefa for Conversations over Coffee- Conversations with a Teenager.

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Beautiful

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly it’s hard to breathe.
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, I’m so ashamed.

There is a british celebrity called Katie Hopkins who has recently made headlines around the world for her comments regarding obesity and as she refers to them fat people.She doesn’t hire fat people because they are lazy and she actually made a documentary where she gained several stones and then lost it again to prove how easy it is to do. She’s getting responses that’s for sure both positive and negative but I can’t help but think that this kind of behaviour is fuelling the negative body image debate.

I may be a biased spokesperson on this subject. I am obese, overweight, squishy, a big girl. I am not however FAT. Fat is something you have not who you are, it is not my definitive feature no matter what others think. I will not sit here and write and make excuses for my obesity. There are contributing factors that make it more likely that I will be susceptible to obesity but it was me who chose to eat. It was me who did not exercise the amount of calories I partook.

no critics

Genetically I am pre disposed to weight gain. I come from 2 parents who both battled with their weight, I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome (one of the symptoms can be weight gain and difficulty losing weight) but still I own the realisation that I contributed significantly to my medical diagnosis of obesity.

It occurred to me only recently that we treat people with eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia with compassion and understanding we don’t seem to hesitate to recognise that these are medical conditions however we are quick to judge and comment on people with obesity. Food addiction and obsession are part of all of these illnesses and since people suffering from obesity or being overweight now make up the majority of our society I wonder when we are going to stop being hateful, hurtful and damn judgemental and just focus on what matters….health and happiness.

likers gonna like

I believe in free speech, I believe that Katie Hopkins has the right to her opinion absolutely just as much as Meghan Trainor has the right to tell us it’s all about that base, that base. All I’m saying is be free to have your own beliefs about body image and opinions without putting down others for how they look or your perception of their lifestyle. Katie I applaud you for recognising the best way to keep healthy for you but hating on “fat” people isn’t going to make them or you any thinner so maybe give it a rest.

I think the “embrace the curves” movement is amazing, women should embrace and love their bodies and themselves absolutely but I don’t agree with “skinny” hating. Real women have curves- sure some do, some are thin, some are athletic, some are tall or short or like me supremely squishy but all are beautiful and all are REAL.

So for 2015 I choose to celebrate REAL women…… all of them.

I am beautiful no matter what they say.
Words can’t bring me down.
I am beautiful in every single way.
Yes, words can’t bring me down

Linking up with the beautiful and REAL Jess because I Blog on Tuesdays

Thinking Out Loud

And, darling, I will be loving you ’til we’re 70
And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I’m thinking ’bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

I’ve been married 3 years this week. 3 years it feels so much longer, like I can’t remember a time when I didn’t get to go to sleep next to Chris each night.

Lately I have had a lot of people say how lucky I am to have him and whilst I know I am so lucky to have him the amount of people mentioning it to me made me kinda paranoid. Am I that horrendous that it is only luck that I get to have this man in my life?

So whilst I allowed myself to wallow in this ridiculous self pity something happened last Thursday that snapped me out of it.

My lovely hubby Chris who I am lucky to have and who happens to be a Type 1 Diabetic had a shockingly fast and incredibly low blood sugar. The scary kind. The kind when he doesn’t know who I am or who he is or where we are, the kind where he will hold the glass of sugary drink but not actually be able to function enough to remember to drink it. So there he was blood sugar slowly rising because his wife was force feeding him sugary drink with my phone in my spare hand in case we needed an ambulance and I realized something.

I am lucky to have him but he is just as lucky to have me, we’re lucky to have each other because we take care of each other, that’s what marriage is about taking care of each other and to hell what any outsiders think or feel about our relationship only 2 people know what’s what and that’s me and him.

So on this our third wedding anniversary I wanna thank Chris for the following things:

  • Thank you for being the one who picks up the dog poop in the backyard.
  • Thank you for scratching my back in those places I can’t reach
  • Thank you for eating everything I cook and telling me how wonderful it is including the time I made Anzac Biscuits and forgot to add flour so that you were effectively eating warm, dry honey oats.
  • Thank you for telling me everyday that you think I’m beautiful and how much you love me.
  • Thank you for finding me ridiculously funny including when we watch British Bake Off and I make disgusting and hilarious jokes using the innuendos of loaves and cream cakes.
  • Thank you for defending me- ALWAYS.

I love you. How could I not you are quite honestly the best person I know. The only person I never get tired of.  Now if we could just win the lotto so we can hang out together during the day as well.

my love my light

my love my light

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I’m thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

Linking up with the gorgeous Jess cause I Blog on Tuesdays.

Lick it Good

When a Mumma comes along

You must Lick it

When her foot moves out of the way

You must Lick it

There’s a towel

Lick it

There’s a mat

Lick it

There’s my tail

Chase it

There’s daddys shoes

Lick it good

Devo Inspired by Molly the Pugalier

The signs are all there that I am about to be abandoned.

The rumbly space machine in the room where my food is seems to be tossing daddys bright shirts again making them clean after I worked so hard to get them all suitably covered in fur.

Mummys food carrier is near the front door again (what else could she carry in there besides the food that I will give her pleading looks to feed me…..I think she has her keys in there too).

That wretched loud BEEP BEEP BEEP rings out in the darkness breaking me out of my 21st hour of sleep out of the last 24. Uh oh I know what that means. Daddy is going to “WORK”.

I don’t know what this “WORK” is but I don’t like it. It means mummy and daddy will be out of the house all day and I will be left all be myself trust me it’s not the party it seems.

daddy snuggles

daddy snuggles

Daddy gets up and when he isn’t looking I sneak into the bed and snuggle up behind mummys knees nice and warm maybe mummy isn’t going to WORK maybe we will have a girl day when daddy leaves. Ahhh mummy cuddles.

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP again that noise 3 hours later. NOOOOOOOO this means mummy is leaving me too. I lay across her maybe if I lay on her she won’t be able to leave. Dammit she got loose. My plan is thwarted

I give her the big beautiful eyes… the ones that have gotten me pieces of bacon before. Mummy looks sad and says to me “Molly do you think I wouldn’t rather stay here with you? Now eat your nutri grain”. Uh oh I made mummy mad.

how do you say no to my eyes?

how do you say no to my eyes?

What I don’t understand is why it can’t just stay the way it’s been these last 2 weeks. I have had mummy and daddy both all day. We went on long walks and car trips and cuddles, long snuggles and day naps. Did I mention the ham? There was lots and lots of ham. I like ham.

The only downside was the massive tree in the lounge room which stopped me from being able to bark at the neighbours cats and protect mummy and daddy from them but still I found a way even if it meant getting stuck behind the couch a few times and daddy having to free me….totally worth it so that those cats know to not mess with me.

Mummy says they were home because of something called Christmas. I wish it was Christmas everyday. Christmas is good- WORK is bad. Now if you’ll excuse me I have paws to lick, cats to bark at and carpet to shed on all before they get home from WORK.

never mess with a pugalier in a christmas bandanna

never mess with a pugalier in a christmas bandanna

*Yes I wrote this from the perspective of Molly my pugalier…. I figure I read about everyones kids and this could be a good way to read about mine 🙂

** Linking up with the beautiful Jess for a little bit of light hearted fun and also cause I Blog on Tuesdays.

Shake it Off

But I keep cruising
Can’t stop, won’t stop moving
It’s like I got this music
In my mind
Saying, “It’s gonna be alright.”

There are different types of people.

Those who are cynical about New Years Resolutions. If you have tried previously and failed then it must be a crock. Even though science and history prove that it takes several unsuccessful attempts to achieve something.

There are those who make the same resolutions every year. Then give up when they view themselves as having broken the resolution- a piece of chocolate by the way isn’t going to kill you (please note that this is a generalised comment as I am sure there are ways that a piece of chocolate could kill you if it was say made into a shiv or laced with arsenic).

There are those that get busy and don’t get around to resolutions and that doesn’t worry them.

Then there are those who like me want my goals and choices to go beyond resolutions.

This is a big year. There are big changes coming that is a certain. Some are out of my control, some are by my choice. Am I scared? Bet your arse I am, I’m freaking terrified but at the same time I’m looking forward to it.

I came to the realisation late last year that 2014 was one of the worst of my life but it was also a year I had to experience to fully grasp myself, my life, my relationships and what really matters. I grew up last year, my husband did too in a way that some people never do. I used to think getting married or having kids made you a grown up. Sadly no, some people will remain immature, some people will always crave drama. I can guarantee you that drama has no place in my life anymore unless of course it is preceded by the words “Academy Award Winning”.

So besides staying free of drama my goals/ choices/ resolutions for the new year include the following:

  • HAVE FUN, just enjoy life, laugh and be happy
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff and after last year most of it is small stuff
  • to finally get to go on our trip
  • to evaluate my friendships and nourish the ones I believe in
  • to stop apologising for everything… I’m sorry for everything always, sorry for hurting someones feelings, sorry for things I had nothing to do with, I always take the blame I need to stop doing that.
  • To finish my course and start the next one.
  • To do the things I love doing more: reading, swimming, writing, karaoke and yes sex (remember ladies it was a rough year last year)
  • to be honest when people ask us when we are having babies. We have to wait for at least a year for me to heal and then we MIGHT be able to have them. We are learning to adjust to the notion that we are a super awesome and happy married couple that might never be blessed with children and that this does not mean we are not living a fulfilling and wonderful life. Please also stop before you suggest adoption. It’s like someone saying they want a chocolate bar and you offer them a cheeseburger. Also understand that there isn’t a type of fertility assistance we have not researched or a parenting option we haven’t looked into (fostering, adoption etc) we are not spending the next 12 months letting the lack of a child dictate our lives instead we plan on being happy and undertaking new adventures. You concentrating on us not having children is saying more about you than us. These are all the things I want to say to people but never have because of the look of pity they give us or the judgement we have been given for not having children already.
  • to drink only 1 slurpee per week – cold turkey did not work for me.
  • to not care so much what other people think because the ones who truly love me Chris and Molly are not judging me only loving me and everyone elses opinion is exactly that their opinion, their problem and not mine.
Focusing on happiness and positivity

Focusing on happiness and positivity

my loves

my loves

So really the only thing I’m wondering right now is…. it’s 2015 where’s my hoverboard?

‘Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

I Will Take Care of You- A Conversation with Promises

I will take care of you, the very best that I can
With all of the love, here in my heart and all of the strength in my hands
Your every joy I’ll share, for every tear, I’ll be there
My whole life through, I will take care of you

She was 17 years old when her father died yet the freckle faced girl made him the promise that she would take care of her mother and her golden haired little sister.

Never was there a promise that anyone made that was kept so completely.

Never was anyone so selfless, at times annoyingly selfless.

There for every achievement.

Every spare dollar used to take care of them. The hot water tank went…she replaced it. The washing machine died she bought a new one.

Without complaint. Complete sacrifice.

A surrendered social life.

A parent more than a sister.

A disciplinarian who the golden haired girl feared more than her mother.

A promise kept beyond anyone’s expectation except her own.

Idolised by the golden haired girl more than she will ever know.

I will take care of you

I will take care of you

Linking up with the gorgeous Josefa for Conversations over Coffee- Conversations with Promises.

Mean

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don’t already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again
Do you remember the last compliment you got? Did you hear the person say it? Did you disregard it or did you pause and find the validity of their words….realising that if they said it then they must believe it’s true. Let me guess that you probably felt good about it for a second and then fobbed it off as someone being “nice”.
 fat pic
Now think again do you remember the last time someone said something less than nice? I bet you do. You played it over in your mind again and again automatically giving those mean words more time then they were worth.
As human beings we are hard wired to believe the negative more than the positive, it’s biologically seeded in us, a survival tactic dating all the way back to our neanderthal days so that we are prepared for the worst. But since we no longer have to physically tackle tigers the hurt, the danger comes in the form of words.
neanderthal man

neanderthal man

It’s been a tough year, a year of setbacks and a year when I made goals and yet I achieved none of them. A year of hemoraging and being less than impressed with myself physically and guilt. Oh my god the guilt, sorry that my husband had to do so much around the house, guilt that I was letting my clients down by taking so much sick leave, guilt that I was overworking my colleagues by my absence.
Last week someone made a few offhand comments regarding my weight. I fell to pieces, it made me wonder how those who know me and what I have been through this year could still judge me. I’m not going to lie there wasn’t  a day last week when I didn’t cry. Those words hurt. It brought my fears to the surface that the world doesn’t see at all who I am but sees only what I look like.
brave

brave

I had to go see my doctor on Friday- routine tests to follow up on everything. The results were not what we hoped. I was disappointed but I took a deep breath and looked at the doctor and said “Okay what do we do now”. He smiled at me and said “You really are a brave and remarkable woman, you have this horrendous year and you still go ok what do we do. You have operation and bleed for months and months, you lost close to half your bodys blood and you still keep going”.
I heard his words. Brave and remarkable. I have never been called brave before. I got in the car and told my husband what the doctor said “he called me brave” “yeah well you are”. Brave that word had so much power in it. That word gave me courage and empowered me. Here I was caught up in guilt and fat and worry about pointless words when I should have seen myself clearly. Seen what I had gone through and thought I AM BRAVE. I am a survivor. I could have died, I fought like hell not too. I got up and kept going.
value

value

So when we hear words that hurt and we give them power we need to remember back to our neaderthal days….back then he had a spear to kill the danger so if I have to choose words to be my spear you best believe that Brave is going to trump fat anyday.
Someday I’ll be living in a big ol’ city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Linking up with the beautiful Jess cause it’s Tuesday and I blog on tuesdays (sometimes)