Let It Go

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free!

She lays in a hospital bed having had major surgery, having made a massive life changing decision. Her husband is nowhere to be seen. Most unlike him but at first she thinks nothing of it perhaps he is cleaning the house and making sure it is “recovery” friendly for her. He eventually comes in to visit he is a whir of movement and chatter not the quiet man she married he stays for 15 minutes and then leaves again. He visits again for a half hour the next day when he tells her he resigned from his job of 11 years- she finds out later it was on facebook before he told her. He doesn’t wanna see her or stay long. Β She feels deflated and lonely but then nobody really likes hospitals do they. Let it go.

He is 4 hours late picking her up from the hospital when she is discharged and when she calls to see where he is he hurls abuse at her. Maybe she is nagging maybe he is tired from getting the house ready. She is exhausted and just wants to go home to bed. She walks through the front door and her mouth drops open at the mess. He stays with her briefly and then goes out to visit other people. He can’t seem to stop talking and when she questions him about going out when she needs someone there to help her (she can’t even pull her pants up) he again abuses her and calls her a buzzkill. Maybe he is stressed about what has been going on. Let it go.

As the weeks pass his behaviour gets more erratic, he spends thousands of dollars they didn’t really have and yet she can’t find what the money has been spent on, he doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t stop talking and his comments and behaviour towards her is best described as vicious. He goes to the doctor who states that it is a manic episode he prescribes anti depressants and refers to a psychiatrist… it is impossible to get into one for at least 4 more weeks. 4 more weeks she cries when she is alone in the shower how will she handle another 4 weeks of this. Ok you can do this it’s only 4 more weeks. Let it go.

The anti depressants do not help if anything they make his behaviour more erratic, more desperate, she continues to work full time during this still recovering from surgery, in pain, emotionally exhausted and he calls her constantly she doesn’t know if she can keep it together. He becomes paranoid, highly paranoid and starts to encounter hallucinations. He begs her to not make him go to a mental health ward and as she slowly starts to fear for her safety she agrees to not force him into hospital. Until one day when he picks her up from work and tells her he knows he needs to go to hospital. They sit in the emergency department he meets with the psychiatrist, they then call her in to speak to her separately and as she describes his behaviour the psychiatrist seems to gauge just what she has been experiencing. He lightly places his hand on her arm and tells her that it’s ok they will admit her husband. She sobs tears of relief. Finally he will improve. Let it go.

He spends a week in the mental health ward, on the first night she crawls into bed with her pugs and sobs herself to sleep. She sleeps like the dead. When he comes home he is still running high. The psychiatrist increases his mood stabilisers and he crashes lightning fast to rock bottom. He becomes highly anxious and panics about everything. He has panic attacks about making cheese sandwiches, he wakes her several times a night with panic attacks about things. The constant phone calls at work continue and she has so much frustration and anger within her. She keeps herself calm and stays patient, she has become the parent and he is the child. He doesn’t touch her to even hold her hand. She misses affection, she misses conversation, she misses her best friend. She stays hopeful that one day this will change. Let it go.

5 weeks later she wakes up to find her husband has come in in the middle of the night to cuddle her. She doesn’t dare to hope that this is a sign of improvement. During that day he makes conversation and a joke. He makes a sandwich without panicking. He has a shower without being reminded. He washes the dishes a few days later. A few days after that he asks her how work is going. He tells her she looks beautiful. He kisses her when she comes home from work. He is slowly becoming her husband again… slowly becoming her best friend again. A formal diagnosis of bipolar and an understanding that this is for life and he will always have to be medicated but the sun is starting to shine again so everything else is just details. Not the perfect marriage she dreamt of, but a reality that is worth the bad times. Let it go.

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry!

Linking up with the lovely Josefa for Conversations Over Coffee- Conversations with Letting Go


2 thoughts on “Let It Go

  1. My heart goes out to you both and I’m so glad that things are getting better …onwards & upwards. I’ve heard it say that you have to reach rock bottom before you can start climbing again I pray to god that you both have reached the bottom and now it’s time for you to shine again, it will take time just have faith and one day you will wake up and everything will be worth all the pain and suffering. Sending love your way πŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’ž
    Ann xxx

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