Sometimes in life things don’t become visible to us until we’re ready to see them. Until we’re exposed to them.
I remember a few years ago my sister and her husband bought a Territory…. I had never heard of a Territory and yet once she owned one I saw them EVERYWHERE. It was like every second car was a Territory, which is an exaggeration sure but it definitely felt like that.
I remember the early years of my 20’s studying and being free and and I never truly realised my singledom until it seemed like everyone I knew started to get engaged and then it was all I saw, couples, couples EVERYWHERE.
Waiting to see if we can have a baby is worse than that. This year of waiting, a year of cancer free smears, of no more bleeding I thought would pass in excitement and adventure and the freedom that house bound illness prevented me from. I had lived without a baby for 32 years surely one more wouldn’t be that difficult but you see it’s just like that Territory all over again.
Babies, Babies EVERYWHERE. In my newsfeed all day everyday until you realise you are the last of your school friends to have a baby, the last of your uni friends and it’s not the waiting that kills me it’s the uncertainty… the what ifs that no amount of positive thinking can take away.
I was home Saturday afternoon and came across an episode of Sex and the City. Carrie is talking about being 38 and having a boyfriend who doesn’t want children and all she wants to ask him is “Will you love me enough… to make up for the fact that I didn’t have a baby? ” Something about the question made me want to cry. I disappeared into our bedroom and laid down on our bed. Just laying, just thinking.
Without a word there he is laying behind me, his arms around me, his body curled into mine the way that only couples who have slept next to each other thousands of nights can imagine. He didn’t know what was wrong. He just knew that something was wrong.
As we lay there his arms around me I knew the answer to Carries question. Yes he will, he will love me enough and in that moment all other thoughts melted away so that I relaxed in his arms and enjoyed the moment, a perfect moment, a perfect moment wrapped in love.
Linking up with the gorgeous Kylie for One Perfect Moment.