Seasons of Love

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments, oh dear
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

Have you ever experienced that thing where you are trying so hard not to think of something that it becomes the only thing you can think of?

In December I was told that due to the damage that my constant months and months of bleeding had done to me and to my abnormal smear results that we needed to wait a year before trying for a baby. The doctors felt that after a year of healing they would be able to tell me if I was capable of carrying a baby.

A year I remember thinking pfft that’s not that long we’re just going to put this out of our mind and not think about it. We’re going to concentrate on getting healthy and go on adventures and have fun.

The more that I tried not to think about it though…. the more the thoughts and the hopes all crept into my mind. I refocused, I concentrated on the positives and then…..

Everyone in my news feed went and got pregnant. This is not a jealousy post the truth is I am overjoyed for so many of my friends who have had their own conception battles but at the same time it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to endure.

talk

I love children, I always have, being an aunty is my favourite thing in the world and I have always known that I wanted to be a mother, my heart yearns for it, my ovaries ache for it but at the same time realism has set in.

I’m getting older, add another year before we can even start trying and we’re facing the possibility of not being able to have children. This isn’t about sympathy or poor me this is me being hopeful but also looking at what could be our possibility.

relax

I know we can foster, I know we will probably never be in the financial situation to adopt. I know that these are positive suggestions but truthfully when people suggest them it’s kinda like offering a vegetarian a cheeseburger sure it’s option but it’s not what they want, not what they hunger for.

fat

I guess this is one of those posts where you write because the thoughts get so jumbled in your brain that you need to put them somewhere. Maybe this venting will put it out of my mind so I can refocus. Have fun, enjoy my sleep ins (yes my dear mummy friends I have seen the sneaky sleep dig statuses and I don’t blame you, even if I am secretly hoping for my own sleep deprived nights lol), travel, have uninterupted sex and enjoy “free” time.

I want to enjoy everyone else having babies without the constant thought of “when will it be me”. There are a slew of babies due into that news feed this year and I don’t want to spend the next 10 months thinking baby baby baby. So instead I choose health and movie nights and books and travel and laughter. Cause I guess that’s what writing this down has shown me…. I’ll be happy and make the most of my life with Chris with or without babies.

Linking up with the gorgeous Jess for IBOT

In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?

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16 thoughts on “Seasons of Love

  1. Oh lovely I wish I had secret powers to grant wishes so I could give you one. I watch my own sister and try not to feel guilty for my life. She is the older sister but never found a partner and lives alone at 46 years old. She is not even near her nieces but has become surrogate auntie for one of her friends kids and spends every Wednesday with this little girl. She was worried I would be mad at their relationship but I am just glad she is getting to be an aunt in person as I see her light up in that role. I wish I could give her a free wish too. Instead for now I am going to keep you both in my thoughts and ask the Universe to grant the wishes anyway. Love to you and I am at least looking forward to your freedom to travel if it means you do end up visiting me this year as planned. Xxxxx

  2. Do you know what, it is perfectly ok to feel like this. And to be honest, you probably will think baby baby baby for he next year, but you just need to make sure you balance out your baby thoughts with other thoughts. Don’t let the negative side of it get to you, try to be happy and excited for yourself and what you have ahead of you. Wishing you the best pre baby year of your life!

  3. I have been where you are and journeyed through infertility, IVF (x 9 cycles), the long adoption process and ultimately adopting our two beautiful kids. A very long, emotional and expensive rollercoaster and I can only say that I look back and the years do pass, even in a blur of pain. You are taking the right attitude getting on with life and I wish you strength to find your good nature and genuine joy for your friends amidst your own painful feelings of longing.

  4. Oh Rach, I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for both of you. But I’m going to pray that these next ten months fly, you enjoy them, and that at the end of them you pee on a stick and get two lines. I believe in it for you. xx

  5. Big hugs – I watched my sister go through this many years ago. With Jess, I’m gonna pray for a happy outcome for you and that this year will fly past and be full of happy and wonderful things to distract you!
    Visiting today from #teamIBOT x

  6. I love that second meme. It is oh so true. When we battled to become pregnant everyone would say to us, oh just relax, if you stop stressing it will happen. Grrr. Most annoying thing in the world!!! All I can say to you is hang in there, sunshine. Keep those positive thoughts flowing and keep doing what you’re doing. You’re a remarkable woman.

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