Mean

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don’t already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again
Do you remember the last compliment you got? Did you hear the person say it? Did you disregard it or did you pause and find the validity of their words….realising that if they said it then they must believe it’s true. Let me guess that you probably felt good about it for a second and then fobbed it off as someone being “nice”.
 fat pic
Now think again do you remember the last time someone said something less than nice? I bet you do. You played it over in your mind again and again automatically giving those mean words more time then they were worth.
As human beings we are hard wired to believe the negative more than the positive, it’s biologically seeded in us, a survival tactic dating all the way back to our neanderthal days so that we are prepared for the worst. But since we no longer have to physically tackle tigers the hurt, the danger comes in the form of words.
neanderthal man

neanderthal man

It’s been a tough year, a year of setbacks and a year when I made goals and yet I achieved none of them. A year of hemoraging and being less than impressed with myself physically and guilt. Oh my god the guilt, sorry that my husband had to do so much around the house, guilt that I was letting my clients down by taking so much sick leave, guilt that I was overworking my colleagues by my absence.
Last week someone made a few offhand comments regarding my weight. I fell to pieces, it made me wonder how those who know me and what I have been through this year could still judge me. I’m not going to lie there wasn’t  a day last week when I didn’t cry. Those words hurt. It brought my fears to the surface that the world doesn’t see at all who I am but sees only what I look like.
brave

brave

I had to go see my doctor on Friday- routine tests to follow up on everything. The results were not what we hoped. I was disappointed but I took a deep breath and looked at the doctor and said “Okay what do we do now”. He smiled at me and said “You really are a brave and remarkable woman, you have this horrendous year and you still go ok what do we do. You have operation and bleed for months and months, you lost close to half your bodys blood and you still keep going”.
I heard his words. Brave and remarkable. I have never been called brave before. I got in the car and told my husband what the doctor said “he called me brave” “yeah well you are”. Brave that word had so much power in it. That word gave me courage and empowered me. Here I was caught up in guilt and fat and worry about pointless words when I should have seen myself clearly. Seen what I had gone through and thought I AM BRAVE. I am a survivor. I could have died, I fought like hell not too. I got up and kept going.
value

value

So when we hear words that hurt and we give them power we need to remember back to our neaderthal days….back then he had a spear to kill the danger so if I have to choose words to be my spear you best believe that Brave is going to trump fat anyday.
Someday I’ll be living in a big ol’ city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Linking up with the beautiful Jess cause it’s Tuesday and I blog on tuesdays (sometimes)
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28 thoughts on “Mean

  1. Hell yes you are brave. I am so glad your doctor said this and you listened. When I first read your story about the bleeding I couldn’t believe it. How could you survive both physically and emotionally. You are an amazing woman. The person who asked about your weight can just sod off 🙂

  2. It sounds like you have had the year from hell and you are still fighting on. If that’s not brave and remarkable, I don’t know what is. I copped a hurtful remark on my weight recently and you’re right, I played it over in my mind and even wrote about it ( http://handbagmafia.net/post/99926073758/weighted-words) in the end, I put it behind me and kept up what I was doing. I’ve lost 5kg since then. I have more to go but that’s ok. I just refuse to let people get away with rude remarks any more. You only have to call a few people on it before the ret get the idea 🙂

  3. You know I love you- you are brave you are also kind, smart, funny, beautiful, amazing, loving, and an inspiration. Those who try to bring you down or make you feel bad do not count. Love and hugs. Xxx

  4. My beautiful girl you are so very brave and I know you are going to get through this god awful year and come out the other side glowing and healthy …I’ve said it before you are a remarkable young woman and you have battled your way through all the crap this year has brought you so now that you have reached the bottom the only way is back up baby and your gonna smack this year right out the door.💐💐💐

  5. Gosh, people can be so mean and I can relate doing the same thing – going over those negative words in my head! What a year you’ve had! I’m glad your doctor told you you were brave. They’re the words you need to be thinking about. Hope you are able treat what you’ve been suffering from. X

  6. Beautiful Rachel, how I needed to read this today. Thank you. We do need to reflect on the good words, and let those negative ones slide, as hard as it is. I know i would be a lot saner if I did.
    And yes you are brave, and strong, and I admire you so much. You have come through all this crap and you still have such grace about it. Not a lot of people would. xxx

  7. It’s so true … I have trouble remembering the nice things people say but I can tell you exactly the nasty comments! You have had a helluva year by the sound of it, and yes you are brave and I applaud you!

    Visiting today from #teamIBOT xxx

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