Titanium

You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium

I have been for the most part absent from the blogging world. Not just from posting but from doing the other part I love so much….from being your cheerleader. I love reading and supporting and so while I am sorry for my absence I ask that you understand it.

I may have alluded to some health troubles and even spoken of some time in hospital and a blog was even written about my hide and seek cervix but the truth is life everyday life has been damn hard and I have been doing my best to just get through it.

I have been bleeding for 6 months unbelievably heavy constant bleeding to the point of hemorrhaging and nothing the medical professionals can do can stop it. They tried stopping it to find out why but when they realised they couldn’t they set about trying to find out why anyways.

This has resulted in many occasions where I lay without dignity legs wide open while they searched for my cervix or my personal favourite me laying on my back one leg up in the air while the bashful ultrasound tech did an internal ultrasound whilst trying desperately to not look at me below my waist.

They found a benign tumour on my cervix, there will be surgery to remove it along with a curette and biopsies on my uterus and endometrine lining to see if I will ever be able to carry a baby. That’s a hard part we have to wait  2 years for me to heal to see if babies are an option. 2 more years it feels like a lifetime.

So I am waiting for surgery, I bleed everyday,heavy and constant. I get up and go to work partly because I can’t afford not to and also because my clients deserve the continuity of care. I am forced to sit on a black towel while I wear a self imposed uniform of black so that my secret is as hidden as it possibly can be. I feel constantly dirty like I smell like dried blood.

I am anemic, incredibly, so I eat leafy greens and red meat and take supplements anything to make it easier to drag my exhausted  body out of the house and through the day. The hormones are the worst of it I think. All I want to do is cry….all day long I swear I even cried the other week watching Independence Day- yep the alien movie. I swear Libra should give me shares in their company the amount of pads I have used (sometimes 3 an hour yep the maternity overnight ones)…. I keep reminding myself that it is a great source of trivia knowledge for the fun facts on the back of the wrapper.

Everyday is a challenge to stay upbeat to find the zen in the everyday of life and be glad for my family, my puggle and my husband (I swear Chris is going for Sainthood). On the nights when I grow frustrated from constant crippling cramps and changing my clothes time after time I tell myself that this is just one chapter and I can get past it, I will get past it because I am far too stubborn to give up.

So know that I am still your cheerleader and I still care but my hemoglobin’s are just too low for me to be able to wave my pom poms at the moment.

You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
I am titanium

I am Titanium

I am Titanium

Linking up with Jess cause she is my Tuesday Homegirl and I love to blog on Tuesdays

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30 thoughts on “Titanium

  1. You don’t have to be our cheerleader. You can rest, take care of you and let us be your cheerleader of sorts. You can do this hon. I am so sad this is still going on daily for you and pray the surgery puts a stop to it. Lots of love xxxx deb

  2. I am your cheerleader right now Rach, what a horrific thing to be facing day in and day out, I can’t imagine how you tired, frustrated and sad with what you have to put up with. I hope you’re getting the best advice and care and please take care of your lovely self, sending you strength and hugs x

  3. I don’t even know how you are still writing this.I would likely just be crying in the corner. You are amazing Rach. The fact that you don’t give up, or seem to let it get you down is just awe-inspiring. (And even if you did fall apart through it, I would still think you’re amazing. Because you are.)
    I really truly hope you can get some answers soon. The not knowing must be so frustrating for you. xxx

  4. I just don’t even have words Rachel. I am so sorry. I would be curled up in the fetal position in bed and unable to get out. You are a trooper! With all my might I wish for them to find a solution sooner rather than later! xo

  5. So much love for you. I understand some of what you are going through. It is so unbelievably hard and here you are still going through your day as usual, you are a wonder woman. I hope that you find some relief soon xxx

  6. It is our turn to be your cheerleader and send a little bit of sunshine and support your way. I can not even begin to comprehend how hard this must be for you. I am giving you a massive virtual hug right now and am sending you positive vibes. You can get through this lovely xx

  7. Rach you are so strong. You will get through this and life will seem so easy once it’s fixed as I’m sure it’s hell for you now. My fingers are crossed and I hope with all my heart you can carry your child as you would be an amazing mother. X

  8. This sounds horrific! I feel for you Rach. Feeling that discomfort and anxiety constantly must be so rough. I hope the surgery brings you the answers you need and some much needed relief from this awful condition.
    Sending love, hugs and invisible shares in undies and pads xoxo

  9. My heart goes out to you Rach hope you get better soon honey I sort of know how your feeling I had endometriosis at the start of my relationship with Ali and had to have a hysterectomy denying him the chance of having a son or daughter but it made us stronger and we will be celebrating 23yrs of marriage on Christmas Eve ….I know Chris will be a great comfort to you as Ali was with me you will be in my thoughts chic oh btw Titanium is one of my fav songs so every time I play it now I will think of you and how brave you are ..sending lots of hugs ((((hugs))))) take care xxxxx

  10. Terrible, horrible and everything in between. Sorry you’re going through this – I can’t imagine the inconvenience to life. Chin up. As hard as it might be some days, try to think positive. Arm yourself with as much education as possible. X

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