Self Esteem

I may be dumb
But I’m not a dweeb
I’m just a sucker with no self esteem

Valentines Day…the most romantic day of the year or the most commercial excuse to sell flowers or chocolate take your pick. Chris and I are ridiculously cheesy so Valentines Day is a great excuse for us to be overly sentimental.

We kept the gifts to a minimum this year preferring to go out for a delicious dinner instead. Knowing me as you all do you know that I can get anxious going into social situations but suprisingly on friday night whilst getting ready I felt nothing but excited.

I found my favourite hair clip chewed up by my dog but still managed to use it…..I managed to shadow my eyes without getting black all over my face and my hair sat exactly how I wanted it too add in a dash of red lipstick and I felt like a 40’s film star. I wore a beautiful purple maxi dress. I felt the most attractive I have in longer than I can remember.

Date Night Rach

Date Night Rach

I felt absolutely amazing until hubby dropped me off in front of the restaurant (the parking situation was appalling and bless he was trying to save my feet) and as I sat there on the bench infront of that restaurant my confidence withered away. I was surrounded by women in mini skirts (the tight lycra kind and they looked amazing) and the very sparkly massively high heels. For lack of a better metaphor I felt like the elephant in the room.

“A maxi dress? Really Rach and flats pfft” “A flower in your hair?” “A full face of make up and no bronzer pfft”. My internal voice lets face it is a total cow and she hated everything about me physically in that moment. She knew that I had lost weight sure but she chose to focus on the fact that I am still twice the size of a regular woman (well not quite) and that my nails were chipped and atrocious. The tears started to prick my eyes and then there he was my knight in Ben Sherman Shirt (shining armour would have been so uncomfortable and out of place).

We went in and sat down (fat girl friendly chairs phew) he looked into my eyes and told me that I looked so beautiful that he felt underdressed, with that I smiled, exhaled and shut up my bitchy inner voice with polenta. It was an amazing night, 2 people very much inlove sharing lots of laughs and also delicious brazilian bbq.

I type this right now with a tiara in my hair (I’m not a princess I swear I was cleaning out my bedroom and found the tiara from when I dressed up as Audrey Hepburn…..I may also be singing Disney Princess songs) and I realise that I seem to forget quite frequently that I don’t fit in…I have never fit in and there is nothing wrong with that.

Disney Princess Wannabe

Disney Princess Wannabe

I forget that even if I was slim I wouldn’t wear the lycra mini skirt it isn’t my style. I like things that are eclectic and vintage and different. I wear bold and bright lipstick when everyone else is wearing a nude colour or a natural gloss. I’d rather wear comfortable shoes than heels ok truth is I wish it was socially ok to wear slippers in public. I march to the beat of my own drummer infact I think I make my own drums and that’s what I need to remember every time that bitchy voice picks on me for being different. I can’t fit in I was meant to stick out.

Now if you excuse me I need to go clean the bathroom mirror and in no way practice singing disney songs whilst wearing my tiara.

Linking up with the awesome Jess because I Blog on Tuesdays.


32 thoughts on “Self Esteem

  1. I love this post, I feel this way so often. Why do we do it to ourselves? My Prince Charming tells me every day that I am perfect, I just need to give myself permission to believe it, and let go of that negative voice in my head. Thank you for sharing xxx

  2. You would not believe how many times I get caught walking up my street in my slippers!! I even managed to get all the way to the shops once in them – thank god for the maxi skirt I happened to be wearing that day πŸ™‚

  3. You write so beautifully! I love the line about stuffing the inner voice with polenta! Truthfully, this is how we all feel! Even those slim girls in the minis are guaranteed to be suffering their own share of inner voice torture! Well written!

  4. You do look like a film star and I love that pic of you in a tiara! Glad you could banish the bitch so you could enjoy the rest of your night out. We really can be our own worst enemy. Great post.

  5. I loved this post! I also liked the a la naturale tiara shot too. Anyone who practises Disney songs in a tiara, wears vintage and fully accepts her own style often goes against the tide, is a chick I know I’d have much to chat about with πŸ˜‰ Glad you had such a lovely evening.

  6. Haha! This is a great post. I can totally relate to the Disney Princess singing..
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with marching to the beat of your own drum.
    Those selfies – you are gorgeous, girl!
    Tell your internal bitchy voice to stfu and instead admire everything that makes you beautiful! (inside and out)
    Visiting from IBOT

  7. You looked absolutely gorgeous! I love that you march to your own drum, we need more people like that in the world! I’m with you on the no short skirts and flats. I used to wear that stuff, but now even if I was thinner I wouldn’t wear them because I value comfort over style. I also think there is nothing attractive about a girl who is so obviously uncomfortable in what she is wearing that she is pulling her skirt down every 5 seconds and walking like a baby giraffe. I say there is nothing wrong with being comfortable and as long as you think you look great then that is all that matters!

  8. Thanks for the ear worm πŸ™‚ I’m such a nineties girl!!!! I forgot about valentines day – but fortunately my husband did too πŸ™‚ so glad you had a fabulous night and you were able to shut up that horrid inner voice πŸ™‚

    Hello from #teamIBOT

  9. You looked gorg girl!!! Such a beautiful woman you are. And you wear that tiara with pride, you’re a princess, with a heart of gold and are wracked with insecurities like us all. I bet those women in those minis and heels probably feel they don’t look quite good enough either, it’s surprising what some people hide. Glad you had a nice night out with your prince charming xxx

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