The dark cloud is hovering.
I ignore it and push it aside, I keep going.
The dark cloud gets darker it’s visited before, at one stage it took up residence for the best part of a year.
I know the signs, I’ve seen them before. I’ve been through them before. I ignore them.
But the cloud grows darker still, it’s persistant.
I’ve lost weight from my stomach this has caused it to drop and form an almost apron like look. How did I let it come to this? Why years and years of not taking care of myself. I have never felt so unattractive in my life and in feeling that way I start to present myself that way. I force myself to shower. I scrap my hair up the same way everyday. I alternate between 2 outfits consisting of the 2 tops that hide my jiggly apron and black elasticised pants that don’t fall down.
The cloud blackens and a wind stirs up.
The loneliness of this year starting with a blood clot and continuing with mumps, the isolation of illness is taking it’s toll. It’s coming up Christmas normally my favourite time of the year but this year I’m just so exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically. Getting out of bed proves near impossible and all I can think of is having to go to the husbands christmas party and cannot understand how he isn’t ashamed to have me as his wife.
The cloud senses weakness. The skies start to open, the rain starts to fall.
Friends support. One of my closest sees the signs she offers calming and thought provoking words. She suggests pampering, waxing, a pedicure, a haircut, a change. She is the umbrella she isn’t going to let it rain on me if she can help it.
The cloud resists, it won’t go down without a fight but it underestimates something.
It doesn’t know the power of love, it doesn’t know the gentle prodding and loving cuddles and concern that comes from the husband who literally pushes me into the shower. He is the sun that tells the cloud to Eff off but this is my battle and I have to be my own champion.
I breathe, I remember my positivity, I force myself to have a shower and wear lipstick.
For now that’s enough to keep the cloud at bay.