When the Sky is Grey

The dark cloud is hovering.

I ignore it and push it aside, I keep going.

The dark cloud gets darker it’s visited before, at one stage it took up residence for the best part of a year.

I know the signs, I’ve seen them before. I’ve been through them before. I ignore them.

But the cloud grows darker still, it’s persistant.

I’ve lost weight from my stomach this has caused it to drop and form an almost apron like look. How did I let it come to this? Why years and years of not taking care of myself.ย I have never felt so unattractive in my lifeย and in feeling that way I start to present myself that way. I force myself to shower. I scrap my hair up the same way everyday. I alternate between 2 outfits consisting of the 2 tops that hide my jiggly apron and black elasticised pants that don’t fall down.

The cloud blackens and a wind stirs up.

The loneliness of this year starting with a blood clot and continuing with mumps, the isolation of illness is taking it’s toll. It’s coming up Christmas normally my favourite time of the year but this year I’m just so exhausted mentally and emotionally and physically. Getting out of bed proves near impossible and all I can think of is having to go to the husbands christmas party and cannot understand how he isn’t ashamed to have me as his wife.

The cloud senses weakness. The skies start to open, the rain starts to fall.

Friends support. One of my closest sees the signs she offers calming and thought provoking words. She suggests pampering, waxing, a pedicure, a haircut, a change. She is the umbrella she isn’t going to let it rain on me if she can help it.

The cloud resists, it won’t go down without a fight but it underestimates something.

It doesn’t know the power of love, it doesn’t know the gentle prodding and loving cuddles and concern that comes from the husband who literally pushes me into the shower. He is the sun that tells the cloud to Eff off but this is my battle and I have to be my own champion.

I breathe, I remember my positivity, I force myself to have a shower and wear lipstick.

For now that’s enough to keep the cloud at bay.


37 thoughts on “When the Sky is Grey

  1. Chin up you’ve come so far I too have an apron it’s the Bain of my life but then I discovered Gog Wan shapewear it takes a bit of getting into but by god it makes a difference so get dolled up and enjoy the party because you are a ray of sunshine.
    Merry Christmas xxxxx

  2. Great resolve at the end. Someone said to me the other day, they were intrusive thoughts. I thought that was a great description, because they intrude on our thinking and daily motion, and cloud everything…

  3. Yeah cloud, just eff right off thanks very much! I think it’s only natural to be exhausted after what you’ve been through illness wise this year and what you’ve achieved weight loss wise. Try not to think about how you got the apron, focus on the here and now and how you will continue to take care of and love you into the future. Big hugs xxoo

  4. I have a tyre and wish it was an apron. It’s hard to be positive when your mind and body don’t want to feel positive. Your friend and husband are cheering you on. Fight the thoughts and smile when you can. A beautifully written post.

  5. Biggest hugs my friend. I know the toll any one of those things could take on you and instead you have the cumulative effects! Keep fighting as those clouds and rain will leave and you will have so much wonderful in your life xxxxxxxx deb

  6. You can borrow my motto rachyrach “fake it til you make it” eventually you’ll realise your not faking it anymore. Sending you love to get thru this dark cloudy spell, and beyond. I’m also available for in house pamper session to help make you feel better xxx

  7. Oh hun, you have lots of love and support from all of us. I know this is your battle to fight, but never feel like you are alone. You have had an amazing year and your words and the journey you have shared with us have only shown us the you that has grown from strength to strength. It is the end – of a year that has taken its toll on so many of us. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. And I hope that sunshine and quiet find their way into your mind and slowly you can feel good again x

  8. You know, I would never have guessed all this was going on under the surface from the tone of most of your posts, but I also understand that we can be feeling so different than we present ourselves. Keep fighting that cloud Rach. Your hubby is proud of you because you have achieved so much. You saw a problem and you’re fixing it; that’s so much more than some people ever do, and can not be taken lightly xxx

  9. I’m sorry that you are going through a rough patch at the moment. I’m glad that you have loving people on your side, because that really can make all the difference in getting better. I hope that the cloud leaves you soon, that the sun shines on you again.

  10. So sorry to hear that the cloud has come and is so damn persistent. The cloud has also visited me on occasion and it’s never easy to get away from it’s shadow. Glad to hear you are no longer ignoring it and that you are seeking help to break free – I hope that relief comes sooner rather than later for you. BTW, this is so beautifully written x

  11. You might need to be your own champion but having that great cheer squad in your husband is extra motivation. I love your attitude to blowing it away …wishing you lots of strength in your blowing ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Really well written. Sorry to read of the dreaded cloud upon you. I hope you can recharge over Christmas with the amazing support of you’re husband. I love how you can still see the light of positivity even though the cloud darkens you. Stay strong !

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