Big Girl You Are Beautiful

Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, ‘Hey girls you are beautiful’
Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke I’m on my knees
Screaming ‘Big girl you are beautiful

If you had to take a second right now to think about the two things you physically like about yourself what would those two things be? My answer was always simple, eyes and my smile. So now that you’ve thought of the two things that you physically like best about yourself imagine if they one day just ceased to be as they were.

Three and a half years ago i was house sitting with Chris when I found myself choking on a cookie(very nutritional breakfast I know). When I went to remove the cookie from my mouth I found that there was no feeling on the right side of my face panicking I rushed to the nearest mirror to investigate.

What I saw broke the very thin layer of self esteem that I had left. My mouth was indeed half paralyzed meaning I couldn’t smile eat or drink without drooling, my eye sat still on my face the eyeball staring vacantly and refusing to blink. My only grace was that when  I called Chris at work he made it home in record breaking(and law breaking) time. He walked into the room held my face with both hands wiping my tears with his thumbs he kissed my drooling gross mouth and told me that too him I would always be beautiful.

me trying to smile

me trying to smile with bells palsy

As a big girl it seems ironic to say that I’ve taken pride in my appearance but still there are friends who probably have not seen me without makeup. Getting bells palsy threw my sense of physical self value into a whirlwind I remember the day five weeks after it happened when my GP handed me a tissue and said “Rach I think you need to prepare yourself that as it’s shown no improvement so far there is a very good chance that this face will be your face for the rest of your life”. Unable to stop myself from saying the inappropriately funny thing I looked at him tears in my eyes and said “but doc I’m a big girl my face is all I am”.

Luckily he was wrong  it did get better over the next 6 months but still there are days when I’m tired or stressed when my eye will droop or weep and my mouth will drool(crazy straws became a thing because I cant drink out of a can or cup due to my weakened mouth).

The lessons that I’ve learned from having bells palsy(and currently having mumps) are many.

I learned that real love is blind to the imperfections that we see and even sometimes what society sees.

I learned that I am more than my face and that even if I couldn’t smile properly I could still have an awesome sense of humor.

about 18 months ago sometimes i still get non functioning eye lol...but look at the happiness in the photo

about 18 months ago sometimes i still get non functioning eye lol…but look at the happiness in the photo

I learned that there are few things harder than trying to apply mascara to an eye that doesn’t blink.

Most importantly I learned that change is inevitable. Our bodies like our lives change so frequently. Breasts can be removed, skin can sag, cellulite can form, legs can be cut off, arses can grow but these things should not alter the core of who we are.

I guess my mother was right(don’t tell her) beauty is skin deep. Rather than focusing on what we look like and how we’re seen we should focus on who we are.

And who you are is beautiful.

<Linking up with our favourite Tuesday Lady Jess from Essentially Jess for another week of IBOT>


25 thoughts on “Big Girl You Are Beautiful

  1. Rach, I have ALWAYS thought how wonderful your smile is and you know what, even in those pictures, your smile is absolutely stunning because I can see your gorgeous personality penetrating through. Beauty is such a misinterpreted thing in our society and we are drilled into thinking it is ALL physical and that couldnt be further from the truth. You have had your fair share of joker cards dealt, haven’t you my dear. And I am so so proud of you for standing up and being the amazing woman you are today regardless… Shine on xxx

  2. Ahh you poor thing having mumps! My SIL has recently had facial paralysis due to shingles. She has the droopy eye and smile. It really is a hard thing for her to deal with and I think the not knowing whether it will become better or not is frustrating. You have hit the nail on the head though. Beauty is only skin deep 🙂

    • Yep Mumps cause my year hadn’t been crappy enough health wise lol…The paralysis is so hard to deal with at first and it did take me a long time 2 months at least before I was truly comfortable to go out at all. You’re so lovely Renee xx

  3. I could probably rattle off half a dozen non physical attributes that I like about myself but ask me about the physical and I’m likely to dissolve into a pit of tears so I definitely get the feeling like if you lost the few things you like then it feels devastating. You have an awesomely positive way of looking at it though and I think that positivity definitely shines through.

    • Thanks sunshine- we’re going to work on those physical attributes honey cause you definitely got some.. but the fact that you can rattle off the non physical ones Tegan is what’s important. You are AMAZING girl xx

  4. Lovely and brave post, so glad you have recovered from that scary experience. One line struck with me when you said it was ironic being a big girl who takes pride in you appearance. Why shouldn’t you take pride in your appearance no matter what size you are. I know it is just the way of our fickle world is being big, small, black, white it just should not even be an issue. As you say we have to see the person behind the shell.

  5. did not realise you had mumps – biggest hugs and love hon!!

    your hubby is beyond a keeper – seriously! and i definitely think beauty comes from within and (externally) mostly is irrelevant unless we plan to try to be a supermodel ; ) deb xx

  6. oh love, you poor thing! I am glad your bells palsy improved. I know that beauty is who we are, not what we look like, but it is hard to get your head around that when you are not happy with where you are. I hope the mumps goes away ASAP 😦 xo Aroha

    • it’s so true that it’s hard to get our heads around things that we aren’t happy with physically. This past year I have learnt so much about me and apart from making a difference in the way I take care of myself it has helped me see me better 🙂 xxx

  7. You are absolutely gorgeous both inside and out. This is a really lovely post and just goes to show your perseverance and courage. PS. I love your profile… my husband and I went to high school together too but only started ‘dating’ a few years later, and we too are proud parents to our golden retriever. Lovely to meet you… looking forward to exploring your blog more now! xxx

  8. Ah Rachel your post struck a cord with me today more so than others you see I’m not perfect when I was about 8 yrs old my sisters and I were sledging in the snow and as we came downhill we went into a roundabout my sister that was in front of me managed to jump of but I went right into the metal poles of the roundabout and my sisters picked me up by my arms and legs and took me home….I was ok after a wee while but then about 6 months later a visitor to the house noticed that I had a lump on my back …after some investigations it was discovered that I had a twisted spine ( due to the accident) within months I was practically walking at a 90 degree angle until I had surgery to straighten my spine, I had 3 ops and now it’s a lot better still a lump there on the one side but better than it was….so I always make sure my face and hair are perfect. Hope you get better soon lovey xxx

  9. Just awesome sweetheart. I know it’s not comparable but I have a lazy eye, and so always look quite droopy when I’m tired, which is a lot since having kids. You are beautiful, inside and out, never forget. And yay for doctor being wrong xx

    • it’s totally comparable sunshine you understand what it’s like to have physical things that can’t be controlled…p.s you are totes beautiful inside and out as well (did you see how I just used the word totes….I am so hip) xxx

  10. I am so glad the doctor was wrong and I hope you will soon be mump free. I just really love this post and those photos of you are gorgeous. I don’t even notice what you’re pointing out – I just see a beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing this honest and open post.

  11. Oh I would find that terrifying!
    I hadn’t really considered how much pride I take in my appearance, but if it was drastically altered, I think I would be devo. I don’t consider myself pretty, but I’m content with what I’ve got, and would hate to lose it.
    I really need to start thinking more about who I am on the inside

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