Walks in to the room
Feels like a big balloon
I said, ‘Hey girls you are beautiful’
Diet coke and a pizza please
Diet coke I’m on my knees
Screaming ‘Big girl you are beautiful
If you had to take a second right now to think about the two things you physically like about yourself what would those two things be? My answer was always simple, eyes and my smile. So now that you’ve thought of the two things that you physically like best about yourself imagine if they one day just ceased to be as they were.
Three and a half years ago i was house sitting with Chris when I found myself choking on a cookie(very nutritional breakfast I know). When I went to remove the cookie from my mouth I found that there was no feeling on the right side of my face panicking I rushed to the nearest mirror to investigate.
What I saw broke the very thin layer of self esteem that I had left. My mouth was indeed half paralyzed meaning I couldn’t smile eat or drink without drooling, my eye sat still on my face the eyeball staring vacantly and refusing to blink. My only grace was that when I called Chris at work he made it home in record breaking(and law breaking) time. He walked into the room held my face with both hands wiping my tears with his thumbs he kissed my drooling gross mouth and told me that too him I would always be beautiful.
As a big girl it seems ironic to say that I’ve taken pride in my appearance but still there are friends who probably have not seen me without makeup. Getting bells palsy threw my sense of physical self value into a whirlwind I remember the day five weeks after it happened when my GP handed me a tissue and said “Rach I think you need to prepare yourself that as it’s shown no improvement so far there is a very good chance that this face will be your face for the rest of your life”. Unable to stop myself from saying the inappropriately funny thing I looked at him tears in my eyes and said “but doc I’m a big girl my face is all I am”.
Luckily he was wrong it did get better over the next 6 months but still there are days when I’m tired or stressed when my eye will droop or weep and my mouth will drool(crazy straws became a thing because I cant drink out of a can or cup due to my weakened mouth).
The lessons that I’ve learned from having bells palsy(and currently having mumps) are many.
I learned that real love is blind to the imperfections that we see and even sometimes what society sees.
I learned that I am more than my face and that even if I couldn’t smile properly I could still have an awesome sense of humor.
I learned that there are few things harder than trying to apply mascara to an eye that doesn’t blink.
Most importantly I learned that change is inevitable. Our bodies like our lives change so frequently. Breasts can be removed, skin can sag, cellulite can form, legs can be cut off, arses can grow but these things should not alter the core of who we are.
I guess my mother was right(don’t tell her) beauty is skin deep. Rather than focusing on what we look like and how we’re seen we should focus on who we are.
And who you are is beautiful.
<Linking up with our favourite Tuesday Lady Jess from Essentially Jess for another week of IBOT>