Till The Landslide Brought Me Down- Conversations with Secrets

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

“Woof woof” the golden haired girl hears a few girls in her class say this as she walks past to go into their history classroom. It’s her 3rd week of high school and she isn’t certain they are saying it about her until they follow the Woof Woof with her last name. She doesn’t know why they are picking on her. She tries so hard to be nice to everyone and yes she is the goody two shoes who answers questions in class and tucks her shirt in but still she doesn’t get it and so she focuses all her attention on trying not to cry at school.

She sits in an empty train carriage on the way home and stares out of the window, secretly and silently wishing she was cooler, wishing that she had just gone to high school with her primary school friends, wishing that everyone at school could see how nice she really was.

The golden haired girl is 16 and is sitting with a group of girls the same age. She listens as one of the girls describes a beautiful physical feature about each girl in the circle and then gets to her and says “well Rachel has a good personality”. The sentence speaks volumes and crushes her already fragile self esteem. It’s topped off that weekend when she is staying at a friends house and finds a note on the floor of her friends bedroom that says “If you pricked Rachel with a pin she would pop like a balloon”

She knows that this is part of being a teenager and god knows she isn’t completely innocent when it comes to saying things behind peoples backs but she does know that when she gets home she sits in the shower the water drowning out the sobs as she secretly and silently wishes that her friends could understand. That she wishes she was thin like them, had a dad like they do or know what it’s like to be raised on a disability pension where her mother cried anytime she mentioned the word “excursion’. She wishes to be prettier, she wishes for her mother to win the lotto, she wishes there was a quick fix tablet to make her less chubby.

“Such a pretty face” the 18 year old golden haired girl can hear the silent BUT at the end of the sentence. It’s almost as though people think she doesn’t realise what they’re thinking. Thin girls are described as pretty or not. Big girls are described as having pretty faces. She doesn’t let on that she knows what their words mean, she wouldn’t want to upset them they’re just being kind.

She takes those words to bed with her that night and as she lays there staring at the ceiling she secretly, silently wishes. She wishes for better will power,she wishes to be thinner, she wishes for a quick fix.

The 19 year old golden haired girl discovers true friendship at university, the life lasting kind, she is able to learn without sniggers or bullying but still her heart secretly wishes she was prettier like her friends, that boys wouldn’t automatically look past her while trying to get to know her friends better, that she could wear the same clothing labels and types of outfits as her friends.

The red haired lady has a heart that cringes when she looks back at those secret wishes. Cringes at some of the painful memories and really cringes at the shallowness of youth. She looks at her life and realises that some of those wishes came true, she found the will power to make changes in her life, she found the boy who didn’t automatically look past her, she realises that she was always way cooler than those other girls because she never was a follower. Her heart like most womens is a cavern of secrets but that same heart is also filled with happiness.

She lays back in bed staring at the ceiling secretly and silently wishing. She wishes for a family with her husband, she wishes to go on a honeymoon finally and she wishes for health and happiness for all that she loves. She closes her eyes and smiles because her secret wishes mostly find a way of coming true.

Everything I could Wish for

Everything I could Wish for

<Linking up with the amazingly talented Josefa at Always Josefa for Conversations Over Coffee>


10 thoughts on “Till The Landslide Brought Me Down- Conversations with Secrets

  1. This brings tears to my eyes because the girl in the first half of the story sounds a lot like the younger me too. And no matter how much older and wiser we get, the pain still lingers there below the surface. Thank you for sharing xx

  2. Your posts are heart breaking Rach, they keep me on the edge of my seat reading and anticipating more. You have such a beautiful insight into issues that are so complex and difficult. Thank you for not only sharing your stories for #convcoffee but sharing a part of your soul with your words xx Josefa

    • I know I say it a lot but thank you so much I feel like this link up allows me to write completely honestly and without restriction. It allows me the freedom to explore my depth of a writer and you gave me that freedom thank you so much xxx

  3. Oh Rachel. I know the feeling… just the other day I sat by a pool and watched four young girls whispering to one another and tears came to my eyes. ‘Who were they talking about? Was it me? Was it my daughter?’ Then I looked at my daughter, blissfully unaware of the gossiping around her, and I prayed she never behaves that way, nor is upset by it, like I still am, even after over twenty years since I was in a school yard. Young girls can be so hurtful. School damaged me, but look at me now. And look at you too! Way cooler, Rachel. Way cooler! xxx

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