I See Your True Colours

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

I started this blog a year ago today.

I may be a little suprised that it’s still going. I may be even more suprised that it seems to be growing in momentum that I am getting more and more passionate about writing. I started it as a way to get my thoughts out, to join a community to get to know you all and have you get to know me. I wanted to be honest, I think I’ve done that. No wait I KNOW I’ve done that.

A year ago I attended a friends hens night it was at this hens night that my friend did me the greatest act of kindness. She told me the truth- judgement free and full of love, she told me she worried for my health but more she worried for my happiness that the light inside of me was fading and that I had the ability to be amazing so why was I letting myself be mediocre. Abrupt honesty but said with love and concern if anything it made me love her even more.

me at the hens night..going out i felt like a million dollars this photo changed so many things

me at the hens night..going out i felt like a million dollars this photo changed so many things

Her words allowed me to see what my eyes and my ignorance were denying that I had gone from being a big girl to being the biggest girl. Those words allowed me to no longer live a life of quiet desperation, those words got me to call and make a psychologist appointment.

Those psychologist appointments got me to see that holding on to what had gone would never help me move forward that it didn’t matter how I had gotten to the size I was, all that mattered was I WAS that size and needed not to be anymore.

getting smaller

getting smaller

Slowly my thinking changed, I saw who I really was. Not who my family thought I was, not who strangers thought I was, not who friends or coworkers thought I was, not even who my husband thought I was. This self realisation lead me to forgiveness.

I forgave myself for letting my body get to the size it was before I did anything about it.

I forgave myself for the bloodclot in my leg.

I forgave myself for years of food addiction and emotional eating that provided my body with food but not nourishment.

I forgave myself for my sedantry lifestyle.

I forgave myself for surpressing my urge to travel and my thirst for knowledge for fear of the unknown.

I forgave myself for losing our child and for not having yet made my husband a father.

Once I had forgiven myself for all of my slights perceived or otherwise I was finally able to move on. Like it was a great big anchor pulling me down and that forgiveness allowed me to let it go, let all of it go and swim back up to the surface.

most of my weightloss so far has been my face and my chest...wouldn't complain if it came off of the thighs soon

most of my weightloss so far has been my face and my chest…wouldn’t complain if it came off of the thighs soon

I learnt to love myself not for who I was going to be but for who I was. I learnt to exercise, I learnt my strength both physical and emotional, I learnt how well my body could perform when I nourished it with the right kind of fuel. I learnt that loving yourself means recognising that life is trial and error and that mistakes are things to learn from not failures.

I love myself enough now to realise that all these changes are lifelong ones, that I will never be one of these people who can eat whatever they want but honestly nobody really is. Just because you don’t have a weight problem doesn’t mean you are healthy. Being healthy is about balance and knowing your boundaries. I learnt that I love clinkers so much that just one becomes the whole packet- like drug addicts have gateway drugs, clinkers are my gateway food I now choose to not buy them.

I stepped on the scales the other day, I am 15 kilos lighter than I was 12 months ago. I have 50 to go at least but with a new nutritionist appointment and dedication to exercise I don’t see that as a problem or an obstacle, I’m not just winning the battle I am winning the war.

I said in the beginning that this was a marathon and not a sprint and I know I’m going to cross that finish line. Failure is not an option infact it is no longer even in my vocabulary. It’s been replaced by words like endurance, committment, fun, fit and laughter.

I had to learn how to become social again, how to stop fearing public places with public opinions. I had to see my beautiful and let it shine and not think it was hidden beneath layers of squishy white flesh and shine it does the more I move and those layers start to melt away. I’m moving forward to the brighter and the more beautiful, I’m not running (yet) but I’m not walking either. I like to think I’m dancing, dancing out of the ghosts of the past, out of the mediocre and into the brightness of the now and tomorrow into the AMAZING.

Linking up with the Awesome Jess at Essentially Jess cause IBOT

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

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34 thoughts on “I See Your True Colours

  1. LOVEEEEEEEEEEE THISSSSSSSSSS SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MUCH !!!!!!!!

    This is what it’s all about baby cakes!!!!! You are shining so brightly and this line.. well, this line had me fist pumping ” I’m not just winning the battle I am winning the war. ” ….

    What an incredible honour it is, to watch you and walk with you on this journey Rach xxx

    SHINE ON !!!!!!

  2. Congrats on the year anniversary of blogging – and congrats on the 15 kilos – and biggest congrats on the attitude (that is the hardest bit, I find). My new saying is ‘do you want to settle for good enough or crazy AWESOME?!’ Go awesome!

  3. So happy to have connected with you this year. I love reading your blog, having your friendship and support and watching your journey. This post is awesome and I will be sharing it everywhere today lovely (once stupid Optus fixes my wi fi those bastards xxxx) deb xx

  4. Happy birthday to your blog !!! And a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS on those 15kgs lost – go you !!!!
    I love your attitude and how positive and committed you are. I know that you will make that finish line because, with your attitude, there is no way that you will stop along the journey.
    Have the best day !
    Me

  5. The smile in the 3rd picture already seems much more genuine, like it’s truly coming from inside you, not just put-on the front as a disguise. You are doing so SO well. Keep it up lovely! You’ll reach those 50 I am 100% confident of it! xo Aroha

    • Thank you so much sunshine…I never realised that was what I looked like…Chris was looking at the pictures tonight and he said he never saw that I looked like that but that he loves my cheekbones now….it’s true as the layers move away the happiness is more and more genuine xx

  6. First things first, happy blogging birthday!!! Hooray for one year!! That’s amazing xx
    Secondly, you can see such a difference in those photos; not just in the weight lost, but in the confidence gained.
    Love you Rach; you’re a beautiful woman xx

  7. Wow – some powerful forgiveness going on there. Happy Bloggy Birthday to you. May you become the you you’re aiming for. I can see you’re well on your way. Beautiful.

  8. First off – happy blogoversary!!!
    Secondly – your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so proud of you for having the courage to be taking steps to change your life, see a psychologist, and most of all forgive yourself. Well done xxx

    Visiting from #TeamIBOT xxx

    • You’re the best Em…I name pretty much every post after a song or a lyric and I had actually thought of a different song for this post and it didn’t quitefit and then true colours came on the radio and I had an Ah ha moment xxx

  9. You go girl!! Your post made me cry, forgiveness is such a powerful tool especially when you forgive yourself, let alone other people. Such a special you must have to say those things out of love & respect for you. Keep going Rach, if you ever feel like giving up just re-read this post and all the lovely comments. Xx

  10. Hi, Happy Anniversary!! I too reached my first anniversary of blogging this month.
    I particularly loved this sentence of yours. “I like to think I’m dancing, dancing out of the ghosts of the past, out of the mediocre and into the brightness of the now and tomorrow into the AMAZING.”
    I hope you don’t mind if I adopt that as a mantra. I’m working hard too at changing my lifestyle. Such comments are great motivators.

  11. Wow rach, that was amazing and so inspirational to read. Congratulations on coming as far as u have and loosing 15kgs, I am so happy for u and I know u will get to ur goal weight. Reading your blog brought tears to my eyes and made me cry especially reading about ur miscarriage. I really look up to u with everything u have gone through to get to where u are now, and I think to myself and hope that one I can get there too. You are a beautiful person inside and out, you always have been and always will be. Xx

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