You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
I started this blog a year ago today.
I may be a little suprised that it’s still going. I may be even more suprised that it seems to be growing in momentum that I am getting more and more passionate about writing. I started it as a way to get my thoughts out, to join a community to get to know you all and have you get to know me. I wanted to be honest, I think I’ve done that. No wait I KNOW I’ve done that.
A year ago I attended a friends hens night it was at this hens night that my friend did me the greatest act of kindness. She told me the truth- judgement free and full of love, she told me she worried for my health but more she worried for my happiness that the light inside of me was fading and that I had the ability to be amazing so why was I letting myself be mediocre. Abrupt honesty but said with love and concern if anything it made me love her even more.
Her words allowed me to see what my eyes and my ignorance were denying that I had gone from being a big girl to being the biggest girl. Those words allowed me to no longer live a life of quiet desperation, those words got me to call and make a psychologist appointment.
Those psychologist appointments got me to see that holding on to what had gone would never help me move forward that it didn’t matter how I had gotten to the size I was, all that mattered was I WAS that size and needed not to be anymore.
Slowly my thinking changed, I saw who I really was. Not who my family thought I was, not who strangers thought I was, not who friends or coworkers thought I was, not even who my husband thought I was. This self realisation lead me to forgiveness.
I forgave myself for letting my body get to the size it was before I did anything about it.
I forgave myself for the bloodclot in my leg.
I forgave myself for years of food addiction and emotional eating that provided my body with food but not nourishment.
I forgave myself for my sedantry lifestyle.
I forgave myself for surpressing my urge to travel and my thirst for knowledge for fear of the unknown.
I forgave myself for losing our child and for not having yet made my husband a father.
Once I had forgiven myself for all of my slights perceived or otherwise I was finally able to move on. Like it was a great big anchor pulling me down and that forgiveness allowed me to let it go, let all of it go and swim back up to the surface.
I learnt to love myself not for who I was going to be but for who I was. I learnt to exercise, I learnt my strength both physical and emotional, I learnt how well my body could perform when I nourished it with the right kind of fuel. I learnt that loving yourself means recognising that life is trial and error and that mistakes are things to learn from not failures.
I love myself enough now to realise that all these changes are lifelong ones, that I will never be one of these people who can eat whatever they want but honestly nobody really is. Just because you don’t have a weight problem doesn’t mean you are healthy. Being healthy is about balance and knowing your boundaries. I learnt that I love clinkers so much that just one becomes the whole packet- like drug addicts have gateway drugs, clinkers are my gateway food I now choose to not buy them.
I stepped on the scales the other day, I am 15 kilos lighter than I was 12 months ago. I have 50 to go at least but with a new nutritionist appointment and dedication to exercise I don’t see that as a problem or an obstacle, I’m not just winning the battle I am winning the war.
I said in the beginning that this was a marathon and not a sprint and I know I’m going to cross that finish line. Failure is not an option infact it is no longer even in my vocabulary. It’s been replaced by words like endurance, committment, fun, fit and laughter.
I had to learn how to become social again, how to stop fearing public places with public opinions. I had to see my beautiful and let it shine and not think it was hidden beneath layers of squishy white flesh and shine it does the more I move and those layers start to melt away. I’m moving forward to the brighter and the more beautiful, I’m not running (yet) but I’m not walking either. I like to think I’m dancing, dancing out of the ghosts of the past, out of the mediocre and into the brightness of the now and tomorrow into the AMAZING.
Linking up with the Awesome Jess at Essentially Jess cause IBOT
But I see your true colors
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow