But I’m a Size Smaller

I never realised how much social anxiety I had. I am sure my husband just read that line and laughed as I am slowly coming out of the fog that was my denial of my size but he has been a social crutch. I feel overwhelming self conscious attending things full stop but the thought of attending social events (not catch ups with friends but things like parties and weddings) without him leave me almost vomiting with fear.

How did I never realise I had social anxiety you ask? The same way I didn’t realise I had gained a whole other person. The same way I was once ignorant enough to say”my weight doesn’t stop me doing anything” I was in denial. Like all other changes I am making at the moment the social anxiety is one that I am tackling face first.

The other night hubby and I ventured into the city for a friends birthday. I wore a dress that didn’t fit me at Christmas and I fought through leg agony (stupid blood clot) to not only go but I also walked down the city street by myself while hubby found parking. I would have in the past cowered and waited for hubby but this night I held my head high and walked with a slight strut. Why you ask?

Because I’m a size smaller.

Hubby catches up with me we socialise with people out the front of the restaurant. My leg hurts but standing and chatting is not as hard as it once was and it’s only going to be for a few minutes……..ok restaurant is running behind table is not ready that will be an extra 20 minutes of standing and talking. 10 minutes in I start to struggle but it’s 10 minutes longer than I once would have been able to. Why?

Because I’m a size smaller.

We sit down on the most uncomfortable chairs ever but still I am ok I am proud of how I am doing and the atmosphere seems good and these are friends we don’t see often enough and I miss themΒ  so it’s good it’s going to be a great night, plus the food looks amazing. I got this I think but then it happens…

There is a large party located at the table behind ours I sit with my back to them. It is a group of young men drinking and loud. This is a restaurant when the waitresses bring around plates of food asking you if you want to try them. Because of the uncomfortable stools and the pain in my leg and maybe even my size I am sitting a little bit away from the table. The waitress has a little trouble getting through I hear one of the men say “gees lady MOOOOOve” yep they mooooooed at me.

The voice in my head gets a little softer…..But I’m a size smaller.

I think I have misheard. Maybe they didn’t mean me. I’m just being paranoid….my social anxiety coming into play. I raise my fork to my mouth and that’s when I hear “wow a pig eating pig”. Now I know I’m not imagining it. I freeze, the smile slips from my face. My friend notices he asks if I’m ok I smile and say I’m fine just my leg paining. I readjust.

The voice gets softer still….But I’m a size smaller.

I don’t know what to do. I am trying so hard to ignore them and I can’t tell hubby the only thing that makes hubby swear and lose his temper is people saying horrible things to or about me (oh and Queensland winning state of origin). Then comes the worst line “how much would it take for you to do miss piggy” “no amount of money could afford it mate I would never be that desperate”.

The voice is whispering I can barely hear it….But I’m a size smaller.

At this point I turn and catch one of their eyes. I don’t know if he is one of the ones saying stuff but he has been listening and laughing I can tell. He can see by my face that I have heard them. I turn to my husband to tell him about what has been happening. They stop talking about me and start talking about the giraffe at a table….yes apparently tall thin girls get picked on too.

Rach of old would have let one or all of these things ruin her night but I managed to put them out of mind for the remainder of the evening. IΒ  ended up having a lovely time. The way I know that this time is different and the way I know that this time it’s for real is because no matter how soft it was the voice never went away.

I’m a size smaller.

<Linking up with Jess from Essentially Jess because IBOT>


47 thoughts on “But I’m a Size Smaller

  1. Much love to you hon and well done on both your size smaller status and your dignity. Those “men” are horrible boys who never grew up. All through secondary school i was teased daily because I have a long neck – nicknames, giraffes given to me as jokes, etc it was torture that I ha to laugh through with all my friends (almost everyone had some nickname etc so I had to suck it up) those kids hopefully have maturity now, those at your restaurant obviously are the low class idiots who never grew up so I suggest you feel sorry for THEM and keep holding your gorgeous head high xxxx deb

  2. What freaking idiots. I think about their poor mothers, if they only knew they were saying those hurtful things they would be so ashamed! I am so glad you were able to put it behind you and enjoy your night out. That took alot of inner strength to do that.xx

  3. Rach… Some people are just such sucky humans… I just can’t believe how horrid people can be. I am proud of you that you didn’t let it get to you. It’s just words, they are just garden fertilisers, vomiting their words. You are a strong beautiful woman. High 5 sista for dropping a dress size. Best feeling in the world. Xxx

  4. What mean and horrible men they are !!!! I still believe in “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”.
    A HUGE congratulations on being a size smaller – go you !!!! That is such great news ! And even bigger YAY for the voice that never went away – yes, maybe it got quieter – but it never left you !!!! Good Work !!!
    Have the best day !

  5. Oh gosh, some people are just horrible! I almost have tears in my eyes, I am so sorry that you had to deal with this. Well done on loosing a size, that is awesome. I have been bullied a lot in my life, the way I deal with angry people now is to feel sorry for them. Imagine waking up everyday and having to make fun of others because your self esteem is so low. Imagine being so angry all the time. Chin up and well done thinking through your mantra of being a size smaller.

  6. What freaking rude bastards! I am horrified.
    You should be so very proud of how you handled it. I don’t know if I would have had the restraint. You are one classy act.
    Well done for being that size smaller. It takes guts and determination to lose weight, particularly when you are hindered by being unable to do exercise.
    People will always pick on others whether they be skinny, large, big nosed etc. You had the style and grace to readjust and look them in the eye. Well done you!
    And keep remembering – you are one size smaller πŸ™‚
    Becc @ Take Charge Now

  7. Some people are just arseholes – you are amazing for handling their behaviour with so much dignity and grace. Well done you for losing a dress size, that’s fantastic and you are absolutely right to be proud of yourself. πŸ™‚
    There will always be people who want to drag others down and that says volumes about their lack of self worth. I’d feel sorry for them if I didn’t think it would be wasted on them.

  8. Some people are so fickle, but it’s only because they have demons plaguing them that they are not big enough to face. You are a size smaller and you should be proud as punch, well done xx

  9. Rachel that is horrible, but good on you for keeping a positive attitude through out.
    No amount of money in the world would make any woman in their right minds sleep with those idiots either.

  10. oh my god Rach. What freaking boys they are. Isn’t it scary that you take men out of the playground, see them behave once they have enough money to go out to a bar, all ‘grown up’ and yet they are still all just big bully boys in the playground. You know what, even if you were three times smaller GUARANTEED they would have made wise cracks about something you’d never even thought about. As that’s what people like that do. They pick something and laugh at it – as maybe it makes them feel better. What an absolute horrible person to be like. Well done for holding your head up high and realising it was them with the embarrassing character flaws.

  11. Honey, congratulations ten-fold on being a size smaller! That is awesome. BIG HUGS to you for that night. Dare I ask how old they were?? seriously….that sort of behaviour demands they be put back in their place, right there and then – for the sake of society – and you. I’m so sorry humanity doesn’t have a heart sometimes, it is wrong, very wrong xx
    Josefa from #teamIBOT

  12. Oh Rach, that is so damn wrong, but good in you for not losing that voice! You are Doug amazing things and no-one can take that away from you, not even a bunch of fuckwits who I’m sure wouldn’t know common decency if it bitch-slapped them across the face.

  13. Lost for words. Rachel, keep holding your head high and strut your stuff, girlie. Those boys, oh, I’m lost for words. Don’t ever let anyone take away that voice. You are a size smaller and that is something. Well done for being able to rise above it. Oh, those boys! xx

  14. I can’t repeat the words I just uttered while reading this Rach, I would love to say you shoulda got up and put them in their place but I know only too well if it was me I’d’ve been too mortified to breathe so I am immensly proud of you and impressed for making eye contact with these sub-par pond scum and not letting them see tears roll. My biggest congratulations on the one size smaller… Much love xxx

  15. Honey, most people who act like that have big self confidence issues, and feel better by making others feel bad. You on the other hand, have a great attitude! Don’t waste any more energy on tools like that.
    Yay you for losing a size, and yay for your lovely husband. xx

  16. OMG! I wish you had said something! I would have gone off. Dane and I are so so sorry and so upset that this happened at his bday dinner. I dont know what else so say πŸ˜₯

      • At the end of the day, we can all change the way we look on the outside, but people like that, are ugly, cold and black on the inside, and that cant be fixed. Be strong xo

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