I never realised how much social anxiety I had. I am sure my husband just read that line and laughed as I am slowly coming out of the fog that was my denial of my size but he has been a social crutch. I feel overwhelming self conscious attending things full stop but the thought of attending social events (not catch ups with friends but things like parties and weddings) without him leave me almost vomiting with fear.
How did I never realise I had social anxiety you ask? The same way I didn’t realise I had gained a whole other person. The same way I was once ignorant enough to say”my weight doesn’t stop me doing anything” I was in denial. Like all other changes I am making at the moment the social anxiety is one that I am tackling face first.
The other night hubby and I ventured into the city for a friends birthday. I wore a dress that didn’t fit me at Christmas and I fought through leg agony (stupid blood clot) to not only go but I also walked down the city street by myself while hubby found parking. I would have in the past cowered and waited for hubby but this night I held my head high and walked with a slight strut. Why you ask?
Because I’m a size smaller.
Hubby catches up with me we socialise with people out the front of the restaurant. My leg hurts but standing and chatting is not as hard as it once was and it’s only going to be for a few minutes……..ok restaurant is running behind table is not ready that will be an extra 20 minutes of standing and talking. 10 minutes in I start to struggle but it’s 10 minutes longer than I once would have been able to. Why?
Because I’m a size smaller.
We sit down on the most uncomfortable chairs ever but still I am ok I am proud of how I am doing and the atmosphere seems good and these are friends we don’t see often enough and I miss them so it’s good it’s going to be a great night, plus the food looks amazing. I got this I think but then it happens…
There is a large party located at the table behind ours I sit with my back to them. It is a group of young men drinking and loud. This is a restaurant when the waitresses bring around plates of food asking you if you want to try them. Because of the uncomfortable stools and the pain in my leg and maybe even my size I am sitting a little bit away from the table. The waitress has a little trouble getting through I hear one of the men say “gees lady MOOOOOve” yep they mooooooed at me.
The voice in my head gets a little softer…..But I’m a size smaller.
I think I have misheard. Maybe they didn’t mean me. I’m just being paranoid….my social anxiety coming into play. I raise my fork to my mouth and that’s when I hear “wow a pig eating pig”. Now I know I’m not imagining it. I freeze, the smile slips from my face. My friend notices he asks if I’m ok I smile and say I’m fine just my leg paining. I readjust.
The voice gets softer still….But I’m a size smaller.
I don’t know what to do. I am trying so hard to ignore them and I can’t tell hubby the only thing that makes hubby swear and lose his temper is people saying horrible things to or about me (oh and Queensland winning state of origin). Then comes the worst line “how much would it take for you to do miss piggy” “no amount of money could afford it mate I would never be that desperate”.
The voice is whispering I can barely hear it….But I’m a size smaller.
At this point I turn and catch one of their eyes. I don’t know if he is one of the ones saying stuff but he has been listening and laughing I can tell. He can see by my face that I have heard them. I turn to my husband to tell him about what has been happening. They stop talking about me and start talking about the giraffe at a table….yes apparently tall thin girls get picked on too.
Rach of old would have let one or all of these things ruin her night but I managed to put them out of mind for the remainder of the evening. I ended up having a lovely time. The way I know that this time is different and the way I know that this time it’s for real is because no matter how soft it was the voice never went away.
I’m a size smaller.
<Linking up with Jess from Essentially Jess because IBOT>