I’ve been searching my soul tonight

I’ve been down this road
Walking the line that’s painted by pride
And i have made mistakes in my life that i just can’t hide

I’ve had the theme to Ally McBeal stuck in my head the past couple of days just the first 3 lines. Because that’s what being a fat girl feels like, like you are wearing your mistakes on your body for the whole world to see. Add to the already evident body issues with a blood clot that is 17cm long in my left leg and throw in a severely bruised stomach that is sporting rock hard golf ball lumps from the blood thinners and you could be mistaken for thinking that Rach is throwing a pity party for herself.

feeling out of sorts

feeling out of sorts

Last night in bed the tears came unexpectantly thick and fast. Chris hugged me and asked what was wrong and I said I had had enough. I am sick of having an aching and swollen leg. I am sick of being injected twice a day. I hate that everytime I bend my stomach is an agony of bruises and lumps.

so need to relax

so need to relax

I fell asleep to a Bradley Cooper film (mmmmm Bradley Cooper) and woke up in a cranky hellish moodย  (a real rarity to anyone who knows me they are like eclipses rare and you just can’t look away). I spent the day engrossed in work and sending emails to my gorgeous work pal Lyndal (everyone knows Family of Killers Lyndal) about how I was considering working from an island and she was the only person invited we could each have a side of the island and then make sure the surrounding water was shark infested.

this is what my face looked like today

this is what my face looked like today

About 4.30 today I realised that bad energy and bad moods only make pity parties worse and I am better than that. I have to remember that the medicine hurts but it’s working and that as soon as the blood clot is given the ok I can start the next step to the new me but for now I need to concentrate on the changes I can make the first one beingย a change of hair colour. It’s time to embrace change and go RED.

Stay tuned for a vibrant change ๐Ÿ™‚

But I believe I’m ready
for what love has to bring
I’ve got myself together
Now i’m ready to sing.

< Linking up with the fabulous Jess for another IBOT>


13 thoughts on “I’ve been searching my soul tonight

  1. Hair colour / style / length is the easiest thing to change about ourselves, and so we change it. Sometimes often! I find new hair always helps me to feel better.
    And you are so right – bad energy and bad moods only make pity parties worse. You ARE better than that, and I’m sure your red hair will be fabulous!

  2. My dad is on blood thinners for the rest of his life, so I know a little about how unfun it is. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
    It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, and have time to grieve, and then move on. I hope things get better soon xx

  3. Sorry you had a crap day, but tomorrow is a new day on your journey and like you say what you are going through now is a means to an end. Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hello from #teamIBOT

  4. Oh red, I look forward to seeing it! I think its a big thing to be able to realise that you can have even a small amount of control over your feelings by choosing to change your attitude slightly. When I’m having a bad day I always eventually get to a point where I realise if I can just change my thinking slightly things won’t feel so bad and my day will be a little brighter, even if the shit stuff is still there. It’s all in the perception.

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