The Hardest Thing…….

The Hardest thing is this world is to live in it…be brave , LIVE…..for me

For those of you who recognise the above quote I commend you my fellow geeks, for those who don’t these were words spoken by Buffy Summers right before she jumped into a portal to save the world from hell dimensions so as you can tell it is both a reliable source and a realistic one. But if you take away the context from which the words were spoken does it make them any less real (ahhh yes the bear in the woods scenario).

I went to see a Psychologist yesterday, I wasn’t coping with what had happened at work and the excessives changes and stress that had come from that event. I found myself terrified everyday about going into the building and the anxiety was overwhelming. I would come home and cry quietly into my pillow and hope that the next day it would change. This went on for a while until my husband my completely kind and gentle husband told me that ignoring myself wasn’t a good solution to anything and maybe I should consider seeing someone.

The wise hubby and I

I was scared not sure why but I was. Fear as it turns out was ridiculously misplaced he was lovely and kind and thought provoking. He was also direct. I had never been called a hypocrite before but as he said “if your clients were feeling the same way about work each and every day would you expect them to continue going” well no of course not….ahhh.

I realised yesterday for the first time that I had spent most of my life doing things to make other people happy almost as if it was my goal and in my success was also my failure. Everybody else was happy but where did that leave me? It’s human nature to want people to like you but at what cost? Loss of self? No no thank you that’s not a sacrifice I am willing to make…..anymore.

me full length me hating it but I’m a few kilos down now and I promised regular full length pics

A few weeks ago a beautiful friend of mine told me that she had always felt I had “amazing” in me and that I was wasting it that she would be so disappointed if I just forever stayed in “comfortable” because of what I thought others wanted for me. As I was telling my psychologist (you know someones pretty good when you are calling them your psychologist after 1 visit) about this I realised that I believed this friend I have an ability to be so much more than I am so now I need to take those steps.

I also have homework I need to work out what I LOVE and what I VALUE because I’m 30 halfway to 60 and it’s time to make myself happy. It’s time to live….for me.

<Linking up with the beautiful Jess for IBOT at her new home Essentially Jess>

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17 thoughts on “The Hardest Thing…….

  1. I love that quote Rach! And it’s so true, there is no point living our lives in the way we think other people would want us. I’m glad you found a good psychologist that you can talk to. Having that is half the battle sometimes!

  2. You’re taking big, brave steps toward change. You are awesome, Rach, and you should definitely take care of you. Your hubby knows his stuff 🙂

    Buffy ftw 🙂

  3. That first step…has been taken! You did it. Well done, now you can keep putting one “metaphorical” foot in front of the other. We are often our own worst enemies! Quick to help others but oh so slow to admit we need help ourselves. Got me a wise hubby too. Glad for you! Visiting from #teamibot Denyse

  4. Firstly, it’s scary to send yourself off to a psychologist because we feel there’s some sort of failure or stigma involved, but it’s actually the reverse. It means you’ve you’ve actually got your sh*t together enough to create a change and ask for help (both which are not most people’s comfort zone)., I actually totally get why everyone in America has an analyst/therapist. It’s very liberating (and you should see it as such).
    Katherine Hepburn once said, something along the lines of “If I just do what I want to do, at least one person will be happy”
    So good for you, stay strong and as simon said last night in 56&up – ‘just because you start down one road, doesn’t mean at any point you can’t turn around and change direction’

  5. Ok I think you’re amazing for quoting Buffy in a blog post! 😉
    Yes, happiness is such an important thing. My husband has recently changed jobs at it has made such difference to everything! I don’t think that kind of thing can be overrated

  6. You are to be commended for listening to your husband. When you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
    I have been to physiologists, psychiatrists, counsellors the lot. I’ve needed help and sought it out. It upsets me when I see people begging for help and not doing anything about it – so good for you!
    I hope the changes you are implementing work out well. Keep writing about it and I am sure we will be able to provide you with accountability to help you on your way 🙂

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