The Hardest thing is this world is to live in it…be brave , LIVE…..for me
For those of you who recognise the above quote I commend you my fellow geeks, for those who don’t these were words spoken by Buffy Summers right before she jumped into a portal to save the world from hell dimensions so as you can tell it is both a reliable source and a realistic one. But if you take away the context from which the words were spoken does it make them any less real (ahhh yes the bear in the woods scenario).
I went to see a Psychologist yesterday, I wasn’t coping with what had happened at work and the excessives changes and stress that had come from that event. I found myself terrified everyday about going into the building and the anxiety was overwhelming. I would come home and cry quietly into my pillow and hope that the next day it would change. This went on for a while until my husband my completely kind and gentle husband told me that ignoring myself wasn’t a good solution to anything and maybe I should consider seeing someone.
I was scared not sure why but I was. Fear as it turns out was ridiculously misplaced he was lovely and kind and thought provoking. He was also direct. I had never been called a hypocrite before but as he said “if your clients were feeling the same way about work each and every day would you expect them to continue going” well no of course not….ahhh.
I realised yesterday for the first time that I had spent most of my life doing things to make other people happy almost as if it was my goal and in my success was also my failure. Everybody else was happy but where did that leave me? It’s human nature to want people to like you but at what cost? Loss of self? No no thank you that’s not a sacrifice I am willing to make…..anymore.
A few weeks ago a beautiful friend of mine told me that she had always felt I had “amazing” in me and that I was wasting it that she would be so disappointed if I just forever stayed in “comfortable” because of what I thought others wanted for me. As I was telling my psychologist (you know someones pretty good when you are calling them your psychologist after 1 visit) about this I realised that I believed this friend I have an ability to be so much more than I am so now I need to take those steps.
I also have homework I need to work out what I LOVE and what I VALUE because I’m 30 halfway to 60 and it’s time to make myself happy. It’s time to live….for me.
<Linking up with the beautiful Jess for IBOT at her new home Essentially Jess>