So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way

I spent the long weekend visiting my mum in the tiny town she lives in in country Victoria. My husband and I took the car for a road trip joined by my older sister and my niece (herein known as the little chicken).

I have always thought my mother and I were very close. Not the same, not similar at all really but close. She is direct and sees things in black and white and I am diplomatic and all shades of grey but still it’s always worked.

The moment we got there i knew there was something wrong it was a feeling, something in the way she cuddled me hello (my mum is not overly affectionate) she felt distant. The days that followed it felt like I wasn’t able to speak anything I said was talked over by my mother and my sister…..everything with the towns people was about the little chicken and I was ok about that for 2 reasons. 1. She is completely gorgeous and 2. Grandparents always seem to talk about their grandkiddies much more than their actual kids.

It was ominous but I almost knew what was happening before it happened, our last night there my husband went to bed early to prepare for the 10 hour drive home and I was there in the kitchen making sandwiches for the trip the next day when my mother rather randomly says to me “You need to get the weight off Rach” she paused for a second I took a deep breath as the tears started to fall thick and fast (you know those tears that fall so fast they leave you blind).

What followed was about 15 minutes of lecture about how old I look (first time I had ever heard that), how horrible I looked and and how I was the oldest 30 year old she had known and the tears just couldn’t stop. I wanted so much to say how accomplished I was in other ways (my god did she not notice that I did my make up perfectly everyday) I wanted to ask why this 1 aspect of who I am for her in that moment defined who I am but I couldn’t cause at the end of the day you always just want your mum to be proud of you.

My confidence was a bit rocked for a few days after I got back. I made jokes about it but still it hurt, still there were tears and then last friday I had a moment of clarity. I was reading about Jennifer Livingston a television presenter who was sent a nasty letter by a member of the public and in her public response she stated “I am much more than a number on a scale” and for the first time in my life I allowed myself to believe that. Because thin or fat my life has always been ruled by that number and it’s representation on how much worth I believed I had. And so now I say throw the scales away because:

I am a hard worker

I am a kind and giving person

I have kick ass taste in lipsticks

I know more about Harry Potter than pretty much any other person on the planet

I am financially self effiecient

I am a loving and generous wife

I am an awesome aunty

I am quirky and unique

I AM ME!!!

So as much as I see the validity in what my mother said particularly health wise I do need to weigh less personally I think rather than jumping on the scale everyday a better way to lose weight is to start by losing the negative self worth. Clouds may have gotten in my way but they won’t anymore.

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2 thoughts on “So many things I would have done But clouds got in my way

  1. I totally get what you are saying Rach. I reckon losing the negative attitude is harder than losing any amount of weight and it really does get in the way of trying to do anything positive in your life, especially losing weight. I know when I am feeling down the last thing I care about is getting on that treadmill or eating that salad rather than the quarter pounder, but when I shed the negativity everything else follows on from that.
    You are definitely more than a number on a scale and all those things you’ve listed are important and just as worthy of your pride.

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