The First Cut is The Deepest

I’ve written blogs before. I usually lose momentum or interest after a while but I suppose the most successful blog I have ever maintained was one named Operation Lose A Cameron where my goal was weight-loss and lots of it.

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At the time my long term best friend was a guy called Cameron who weighed a grand total of 50 kilos…..Over the course of several months I lost 23 kilos and then total surprise for a long term PCOS girl fell pregnant but it wasn’t meant to be and we lost our little jellybean. I tried to keep blogging, I tried to keep up the healthy lifestyle but the truth is I lost all ability to deal with it….weight-loss, health these things lacked any importance the sadness and the pain were all too real I threw myself into anything I could. Work….planning the fellas 30th which was held just 2 weeks after…I was still bleeding I was so exhausted and I was so determined to keep our pain and suffering silent…..what i discovered is that it helped to talk about it and it hurt to talk about it.

I had at the time 2 friends and a sister who were all pregnant I wanted so much to be happy for them and I was happy for them but at the same time it was devastating for me, so completely difficult to be around those who had what I wanted. Wanted and yet hadn’t realised how much I wanted it until it was gone.

It’s taken time, over a year really for me to take real joy in other peoples children to feel like it is more than just rolling with the punches. It’s taken that time for me to want to take care of me again. So here I am pretty much back at the start staring at the finish line, it’s not close not at all. This isn’t a sprint this is a marathon and slow and steady will win this race.

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This is not the resurrection of Operation Lose a Cameron because in life cruel ironies I lost a Cameron just not the weight kind…the person kind (a story for another day). That then was an operation and the first cut truly was the deepest but this now is just life and life is hard…….but hopeful.

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19 thoughts on “The First Cut is The Deepest

  1. hold on to hope, take courage again.
    As long as you have hope, and the ability to speak when it is hard to pull in your support network when you fall to keep you accountable, then you will be fine. You are surrounded by lifers, who will cheer you every step of the way xx

  2. Oh Rach, I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. I think whether you’ve got babies or not, losing one is always hard to deal with and they leave a hole in your heart. I hope the world is getting brighter for you. You were always a ‘rae’ of sunshine at school so I think the name of this new blog is absolutely fitting. Looking forward to reading more and hearing about your journey. Weightloss is one of the hardest things, so much depends on our state of mind so here’s to both of us staying happy enough to reach our goals!
    -Kylez

  3. I can’t fathom how painful losing your baby & your best friend must have been. Thank goodness you’re who you are though & you have your wonderful husband. You’ve always overcome adversity with strength & humility. You are truly an amazing person & I’m so proud to call you my friend xx

  4. Oh my goodness! What a tough road you’ve travelled down so far. My heart goes out to you. As you say though, all you need is a little hope and sunshine .. and with that gorgeous smile of yours you really can’t lose πŸ™‚

  5. I’ve read many of your posts but I didn’t know this part of your journey. I’m saddened by your story but at the same time, I’m touched by your honesty. It’s refreshing to read something so real. Thanks for linking today X

    • it was my first time linking and i’m so glad i did it gave me the opportunity to read some tremendous posts. Thank you so much I have consciously tried to be as honest as I can be because I think I lived in a bit of denial in regards to my size and my health for far too long xxx

  6. Wow it was lovely and inspiring to read the start – well re-start of your blogging journey. You have had so much suffering 😦 But I get a very positive vibe from your recent posts, you have come along way I can tell – HUGS πŸ™‚

    • I feed on positivity Em which is why I have always loved reading your stuff….I think I was at my physcial and emotional rock bottom about a month after I started this blog and so the only way was up……and up and up and up I go.

  7. I’m so sorry to read about your baby loss, I have had two miscarriages and now I have two healthy babies, but when my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I remember vividly my feelings of disappointment, grief and jealousy of other people with small children. Your day will come. Sending you strength. I haven’t read your blog before so I don’t know how things have changed for you but I hope you are doing well (will have to go and read some recent posts).

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