Let It Go

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free!

She lays in a hospital bed having had major surgery, having made a massive life changing decision. Her husband is nowhere to be seen. Most unlike him but at first she thinks nothing of it perhaps he is cleaning the house and making sure it is “recovery” friendly for her. He eventually comes in to visit he is a whir of movement and chatter not the quiet man she married he stays for 15 minutes and then leaves again. He visits again for a half hour the next day when he tells her he resigned from his job of 11 years- she finds out later it was on facebook before he told her. He doesn’t wanna see her or stay long.  She feels deflated and lonely but then nobody really likes hospitals do they. Let it go.

He is 4 hours late picking her up from the hospital when she is discharged and when she calls to see where he is he hurls abuse at her. Maybe she is nagging maybe he is tired from getting the house ready. She is exhausted and just wants to go home to bed. She walks through the front door and her mouth drops open at the mess. He stays with her briefly and then goes out to visit other people. He can’t seem to stop talking and when she questions him about going out when she needs someone there to help her (she can’t even pull her pants up) he again abuses her and calls her a buzzkill. Maybe he is stressed about what has been going on. Let it go.

As the weeks pass his behaviour gets more erratic, he spends thousands of dollars they didn’t really have and yet she can’t find what the money has been spent on, he doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t stop talking and his comments and behaviour towards her is best described as vicious. He goes to the doctor who states that it is a manic episode he prescribes anti depressants and refers to a psychiatrist… it is impossible to get into one for at least 4 more weeks. 4 more weeks she cries when she is alone in the shower how will she handle another 4 weeks of this. Ok you can do this it’s only 4 more weeks. Let it go.

The anti depressants do not help if anything they make his behaviour more erratic, more desperate, she continues to work full time during this still recovering from surgery, in pain, emotionally exhausted and he calls her constantly she doesn’t know if she can keep it together. He becomes paranoid, highly paranoid and starts to encounter hallucinations. He begs her to not make him go to a mental health ward and as she slowly starts to fear for her safety she agrees to not force him into hospital. Until one day when he picks her up from work and tells her he knows he needs to go to hospital. They sit in the emergency department he meets with the psychiatrist, they then call her in to speak to her separately and as she describes his behaviour the psychiatrist seems to gauge just what she has been experiencing. He lightly places his hand on her arm and tells her that it’s ok they will admit her husband. She sobs tears of relief. Finally he will improve. Let it go.

He spends a week in the mental health ward, on the first night she crawls into bed with her pugs and sobs herself to sleep. She sleeps like the dead. When he comes home he is still running high. The psychiatrist increases his mood stabilisers and he crashes lightning fast to rock bottom. He becomes highly anxious and panics about everything. He has panic attacks about making cheese sandwiches, he wakes her several times a night with panic attacks about things. The constant phone calls at work continue and she has so much frustration and anger within her. She keeps herself calm and stays patient, she has become the parent and he is the child. He doesn’t touch her to even hold her hand. She misses affection, she misses conversation, she misses her best friend. She stays hopeful that one day this will change. Let it go.

5 weeks later she wakes up to find her husband has come in in the middle of the night to cuddle her. She doesn’t dare to hope that this is a sign of improvement. During that day he makes conversation and a joke. He makes a sandwich without panicking. He has a shower without being reminded. He washes the dishes a few days later. A few days after that he asks her how work is going. He tells her she looks beautiful. He kisses her when she comes home from work. He is slowly becoming her husband again… slowly becoming her best friend again. A formal diagnosis of bipolar and an understanding that this is for life and he will always have to be medicated but the sun is starting to shine again so everything else is just details. Not the perfect marriage she dreamt of, but a reality that is worth the bad times. Let it go.

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry!

Linking up with the lovely Josefa for Conversations Over Coffee- Conversations with Letting Go

Guess Who’s Back

Guess who’s back, back again
Rachel’s back, tell a friend

I once read that a true writer writes what they know. With me it has always been to write honestly. My blog has always spoken the truth or at least my version of it so when a long time ago I made a massive life changing decision that I didn’t feel ready to shout to the world I stopped blogging. Withholding the truth felt the same as lying in my eyes and so I thought I would miss a week, miss a month and then it came to right now typing this to realise I haven’t blogged since April… oops my bad.

So what was this decision that caused my accidental hiatus from blogging? I made a decision about something I had previously decided not to do. I chose to have Gastric Sleeve surgery. I made this decision knowing that I would probably get judged but seriously I’m a fat chic we’re used to the judgement so I view it this way…. I’m happy to be judged for making an informed health related decision that can only make my health better and make it more likely that I will be able to have babies.

Because I am the person who is completely upfront about things I thought I would include all the details incase others are interested in having the surgery and want an insiders perspective. I had my surgery through the OClinic under Dr Craig Taylor for the all inclusive price of $9000 (as a private patient in a public hospital- I accessed the funds from my super by the way). For this price I get complete access to the bariatician (Angela LOVE her), the dietician and the psychologist not to mention the man himself Dr Taylor. He is no nonsense and straight talking but also kind all whilst bearing more than a passing resemblance to Bradley Cooper. I looked at all the options I knew people who had gone with him and other doctors but in the end this is a MAJOR life changing decision and when I walked into the OClinic I just knew I was in the right place- for starters the chairs didn’t have arms hehe.

sendig off my super info

sending off my super info

This process has felt like it has gone forever my super release forms were submitted in April and I started my Opti phase in August. Any sleever will tell you the evilness of the Opti stage. Mine went for 4 weeks. The first week was the worst, the shakes literally made me vomit I just couldn’t handle the texture and the soup was even worse but the bars ahhhh they saved me. Have you ever noticed how much food related advertising there is? Trust me when you’re going through withdrawals and craving anything food related and you’re at the point where you’re even dreaming about food you seriously wanna punch food advertisers in the face. Did I cheat? Um yeah….. not a lot but lets just say there was some curried sausages I didn’t even chew them I’m sure I inhaled them.

yep not a shakes girl

yep not a shakes girl

bars much better

bars much better

My surgery was in September- no complications went well the pain wasn’t too horrendous, the nausea totally sucked and I made a surgery buddy (once you’ve burped and almost vomited together you’re bonded). The healing process felt long but really wasn’t and so here i am nearly 5 weeks out from surgery and 35 kilos down well on my way in this incredible journey whilst trying to learn how to eat slower and to adjust to the fact that 3 mouthfuls makes me full.

hospital rach with the crazy hair

hospital rach with the crazy hair

Has it been easy? No and I have long ways to go. Anyone who tells you that surgery is the easy way is ignorant. I had 2 thirds of my stomach removed nothing about that is easy but I can say this- I have no regrets.

so far

so far

so far

so far

Linking up with the awesome Jess because I Blog On Tuesdays (at least I’m gonna try to)

Time- Conversations Over Coffee

If you’re lost you can look – and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you – I’ll be waiting
Time after time

When the golden haired girl was graduating from high school her mother wrote her a letter. A disclosure of wisdom, of life thoughts and in it her mother explained to her that life was like those years at school…. some years are great and some not so good but most just go by far too quickly.

She didn’t realise how right her mother was and how fast those years would go. How was it possible that she went to bed one night underneath her ballerina quilt cuddling her pound puppy and woke up what felt like the next moment wondering when it was that laughter lines took up residence on her face ( 31 in case you’re wondering).

It’s been 15 years since she finished high school…. when did that happen? To her that seems surreal like the moment when she realised her friends were having babies on purpose and that declarations of “I’m pregnant” were no longer met with worry and the question “What are you going to do”.

Time it seems has flown superspeed and in some ways the now blondish with dark regrowth woman still feels like an infant a child in fancy dress playing pretend grown ups. That is until she hangs around with people who are the age she feels like she is and then she realises how grateful she is that her 20’s are over.

How the years have changed her, have changed the world around her, the people around her and she likes that the future is full of new and exciting possibilities and inventions she would quietly admit she misses several things about the 90’s…

She misses:

  • the music
  • the make up (um vamp lips were awesome)
  • the shoes (talk about comfort)
  • and the body glitter

But mostly she feels grateful for the time she gets …..everyday of it.


Linking up with the gorgeous Josefa for Conversations Over Coffee

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Sometimes in life things don’t become visible to us until we’re ready to see them. Until we’re exposed to them.

I remember a few years ago my sister and her husband bought a Territory…. I had never heard of a Territory and yet once she owned one I saw them EVERYWHERE. It was like every second car was a Territory, which is an exaggeration sure but it definitely felt like that.

I remember the early years of my 20’s studying and being free and and I never truly realised my singledom until it seemed like everyone I knew started to get engaged and then it was all I saw, couples, couples EVERYWHERE.

Waiting to see if we can have a baby is worse than that. This year of waiting, a year of cancer free smears, of no more bleeding I thought would pass in excitement and adventure and the freedom that house bound illness prevented me from. I had lived without a baby for 32 years surely one more wouldn’t be that difficult but you see it’s just like that Territory all over again.

Babies, Babies EVERYWHERE. In my newsfeed all day everyday until you realise you are the last of your school friends to have a baby, the last of your uni friends and it’s not the waiting that kills me it’s the uncertainty… the what ifs that no amount of positive thinking can take away.

I was home Saturday afternoon and came across an episode of Sex and the City. Carrie is talking about being 38 and having a boyfriend who doesn’t want children and all she wants to ask him  is  “Will you love me enough… to make up for the fact that I didn’t have a baby? ” Something about the question made me want to cry. I disappeared into our bedroom and laid down on our bed. Just laying, just thinking.

Without a word there he is laying behind me, his arms around me, his body curled into mine the way that only couples who have slept next to each other thousands of nights can imagine. He didn’t know what was wrong. He just knew that something was wrong.

As we lay there his arms around me I knew the answer to Carries question. Yes he will, he will love me enough and in that moment all other thoughts melted away so that I relaxed in his arms and enjoyed the moment, a perfect moment, a perfect moment wrapped in love.

Rach and Chris

Linking up with the gorgeous Kylie for One Perfect Moment.

Magic- Conversations Over Coffee

Do you remember the first kiss?
Stars shooting across the sky
To come to such a place as this
You never left my mind

She can remember how it felt that moment.

The way her hand felt like lead if he so much as brushed it.

A glance, a smile and eyes that seem to search for each other.

A gaze held. Cheeks burning.

Before her mind has time to compute the natural instincts of her body.

Their bodies move closer.

Their faces move closer.

Their lips touch.


A kiss

Her first


She was sitting in a coffee shop in another country.

He was at the table next to hers.

Eyes locked.

An offer of a coffee.

A laugh, a flutter.


Love, her first

Or so she thought


An old friend

A catch up and a drive

Butterflied Tummy, Electric Touch

A kiss

A love

A ring

A vow

A promise


The purest


Linking up with the beautiful Josefa for Conversations Over Coffee – Conversations with Magic


The School of Life…. A Conversation with Change

He never truly believed that the end could be coming. It wasn’t ignorance it was survivalism. He couldn’t fathom the idea of leaving them, of leaving her, of leaving his baby.

When they told him the end was inevitable it was like he threw himself into the challenge of teaching her his golden haired girl as much as possible about him, about life as he knew it, to give her as many memories as he could….a lifetimes worth.

The school of life according to him started with a trip to Botany Bay one day on the way to pick up Mum from work. He bought them fried rice and he told her about how Australia was discovered, this is where Australian history started he told her. She remembers the place where they sat, she remembers this as the moment that sparked her love for all things history, she remembers the rubbery undercooked fried rice.

The school of life stressed the importance of sport but especially that Rugby League isn’t just a sport it’s a way of life and State of Origin may as well have been the golden chalice. He teaches her how to heckle the players, the Queensland players of course cause the New South Wales ones are just being rorted. She soaks up this time with him, it’s special and the only time when you can be encouraged to yell in their home.

The school of life showed her that every car trip required suitable music and that when it came to music his views were simple. Good Music was good music and crappy music was crappy music. But when it came to radio stations there was only one…. 2WS that’s my station.

The school of life encouraged hard work and learning and doing anything it took to take care of your family. He taught her that a real man does whatever he can to ensure his family is provided for including working 6 days a week while you’re undertaking chemotherapy. The golden haired girl learns that you take illness in your stride that you make jokes about it but you never hide away from it, you own your reality even if it means denying that death is likely.

The school of life taught that Hollywood is King. He showed her movies that probably weren’t age appropriate, she realises most 8 year olds have never seen the Godfather let alone know how to critique it and understand it but he knows she can handle this, she’s his, she’s him in this way. Films will always appeal to her she absorbs them and the knowledge surrounding them. She critiques them, can list endless trivia surrounding them. They are her passion, he ignited her passion, he gave her the gift of cinema.

The school of life slowed down and was conducted as quiet time. This was a lesson in itself. The body needs time to rest and what parent wouldn’t hold their child close when they knew their cuddles were limited. As an adult she realises that this is the greatest lesson of them all. Take nothing for granted. Hold those you love close to you.Love your family so much that they always feel that love.

He knew change was coming for her. The biggest change of them all. But he didn’t want her facing this change unprepared. He had armoured her with love.


Linking up with the beautiful Josefa for Conversations Over Coffee- Conversations with Change

Seasons of Love

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments, oh dear
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

Have you ever experienced that thing where you are trying so hard not to think of something that it becomes the only thing you can think of?

In December I was told that due to the damage that my constant months and months of bleeding had done to me and to my abnormal smear results that we needed to wait a year before trying for a baby. The doctors felt that after a year of healing they would be able to tell me if I was capable of carrying a baby.

A year I remember thinking pfft that’s not that long we’re just going to put this out of our mind and not think about it. We’re going to concentrate on getting healthy and go on adventures and have fun.

The more that I tried not to think about it though…. the more the thoughts and the hopes all crept into my mind. I refocused, I concentrated on the positives and then…..

Everyone in my news feed went and got pregnant. This is not a jealousy post the truth is I am overjoyed for so many of my friends who have had their own conception battles but at the same time it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to endure.


I love children, I always have, being an aunty is my favourite thing in the world and I have always known that I wanted to be a mother, my heart yearns for it, my ovaries ache for it but at the same time realism has set in.

I’m getting older, add another year before we can even start trying and we’re facing the possibility of not being able to have children. This isn’t about sympathy or poor me this is me being hopeful but also looking at what could be our possibility.


I know we can foster, I know we will probably never be in the financial situation to adopt. I know that these are positive suggestions but truthfully when people suggest them it’s kinda like offering a vegetarian a cheeseburger sure it’s option but it’s not what they want, not what they hunger for.


I guess this is one of those posts where you write because the thoughts get so jumbled in your brain that you need to put them somewhere. Maybe this venting will put it out of my mind so I can refocus. Have fun, enjoy my sleep ins (yes my dear mummy friends I have seen the sneaky sleep dig statuses and I don’t blame you, even if I am secretly hoping for my own sleep deprived nights lol), travel, have uninterupted sex and enjoy “free” time.

I want to enjoy everyone else having babies without the constant thought of “when will it be me”. There are a slew of babies due into that news feed this year and I don’t want to spend the next 10 months thinking baby baby baby. So instead I choose health and movie nights and books and travel and laughter. Cause I guess that’s what writing this down has shown me…. I’ll be happy and make the most of my life with Chris with or without babies.

Linking up with the gorgeous Jess for IBOT

In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?